Trust issues

 So once again, I'm faced with this horrid feeling!

You're making empty promises and I don't know if I want to live with empty promises...

You said you'd call, but you didn't. You made an excuse the next morning - falling asleep, it's only human. Then you made your promise again - you said you'd phone in a short while... Well it's been quite a few hours and you still haven't called me. I don't like this.

I have trust issues, because I'm too strict with myself - I was born that way.

Since I am a girl, I'm emotional - it happens. Unfortunately, that also means I over think, I get jealous, I get mean, I go overboard sometimes, I want attention and I need time. Time for a lot of things.

I need time to think. Time to do. Time to be me, myself and I. Time to be with you. I need time to make up my mind. Time to rethink what I've thought. Time to make up my mind again. I am one of the most time consuming specimens live!

When we started talking - way back when she was still in your life - we talked about empty promises. Both saying that it is the one thing we don't want.

Now I'm sitting here, wondering why I let myself fall in love again!

Why did I make this so easy? Why is it that no person is willing to fight to keep me?

Is it true when they say I'm desperate.

I wasn't looking for this relationship. I finally made peace with being single and then you stepped into my life and I fell - yet again. I fell for a promise I thought to be true. And when the people started warning me, saying that something bothered them, they just couldn't place their fingers on it - I didn't listen. I argued and said that what they're saying isn't true. I disagreed and said that you make me happy. Now I'm sitting here, pondering about why you don't call when you said you will.

The problem must lie with me!

Something must be really be wrong with me if I keep bumping my head like this.

Everything seemed so perfect with you. My world turned into a fairy tale. Everything I needed, I found in you. It seemed like everything was exactly as it was meant to be - but then again, at that time you were still with her.

Times like tonight where I wish I never continued talking to you. Times like these where I wish I didn't fall that easily.

You make everything better. And at the same time, you give me mixed emotions.

I need you to fight for me, I need you to fight for this relationship as hard as I want to fight for it, because I seriously don't see how I can trust again if you decide that this was a joyride. I seriously don't see how I will ever share myself with the world again.

I need to be you're pride and joy. I want for you to tell the world: "You see that beautiful girl, she's mine". I need to be the one you want to be with, the one you want to talk to, the one you want to share everything with. I need to be your everything. I need for you to show me that I mean the world to you, because I'm afraid if you don't show me what I really mean to you - I think I might just stop showing the world what my emotions really are.

I've felt this confused only once before in my life - and I was the one to save that relationship, well for at least  another year or so - until he found his perfect fit. Now I'm standing at the line, with the same emotion and I'm wondering if this might go in the same direction.

I know it's wrong to compare, for every person is unique in their own way. But you can't blame a girl for wanting to keep her own heart safe.

Why is it so easy to see what the male species want, but when it comes to what the female species need - males are clueless and it seems as if they just don't go through the trouble to find out. Yes, sure you get the once in a lifetime few that actually go through the trouble, but hey if you have one of them - hold on sister!

I need guidance in my decisions. I need peace in my heart. I need for everything to fall into place. I need to focus. I need to build my own future and stop worrying about the world around me.

Then again, if I don't take care of the world and the people around me, who will?

Trust issues you say? I know I have trust issues. I have trust issues, because I don't trust myself.

I don't trust me and therefore I find it difficult to fully trust you...

Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt?

"I can be selfish. I can be impatient. I'm insecure. I make mistakes. Sometimes I feel like I'm at the end of the road. I can get low and I won't know which way is up. I can get high and I'll feel like I could never come down.
Call it a curse! Or maybe just call me blessed!
If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure don't deserve me at my best. Take me or leave me. I'll never be perfect, but I'll always be me. Believe me, I'm worth it. So take me, or leave me.
Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt?
The truth is, we'll mess up until we get it right. I don't want to end up losing my soul." ~ Nicki Minaj
Marilyn Monroe spent most of her childhood in foster homes, until she became an American actress and then later a major sex symbol. She lived herself, being herself. And she lived her life fully. Until today there isn't one opinion about her that is the same everywhere you go. Every person forms their own opinion about people in life and it will be like that until the world comes to an end.

There are times I feel like running away. When I feel like running to a whole new destination. Running away from my circumstances and the people I know. Just running until I come to a place where I have to start anew. Where I have to get to know new people, new systems, new characters, new streets, new everything. Unfortunately I am one of those people who get to know people quite fast. I am one of those people who remembers the people I meet. So I know at least one person from about everywhere. Except if you talk about on the other side of the blue oceans. There I know one or two people. But I'm not keen on running away from South Africa.

Every person has their ups and their downs. I am one of those people who take the ups and the downs to the max.

One minute I can be sky-high, happier than an employee receiving their year-end bonus. The next moment, without reason or warning I'll be down in the dumps. I'll be lower than a Blue Bull after they've lost a game.

I am an extremest. I either do something exceptionally well, or I don't do it at all. And unfortunately it carried over to my emotions as well.

Sometimes the down moments can last up to a week. Other times, it is a matter of slip in emotion. A slip of controlling all I hold inside. Just a momentary lapse.

The reason why these sudden lapse last longer than the temporary slip are yet to be discovered. Though I have discovered some of the reasons for setting the lapse into motion. I have discovered some things that might lead to a sudden change in emotion.

Thus I try to avoid these obstacles. I try and fail and try yet again. But alas, I am only human and I cannot control my emotions as well as I would like to.

Amidst all the emotional roller coaster rides, you came into my life. With you it seemed like all the wrongs chose to step aside. You became my reason to keep going. You became my reason to slime. That faithful smile that lingered on my lips for months on end. Everything felt better with you. The distance never an issue. The feelings just getting better and stronger. All the things we went through in the sort time, just made my love for you grow.


Every time I look into your eyes, I feel like I could stare in them for a lifetime.

I cannot put into words what you mean to me. I cannot express my gratitude enough. The way you make me feel. The safety when I'm in your arms. The way everything comes natural with you. The way everything feels so right. I cannot put into words how easily I fell in love with you. How easily love comes with you. My feelings for you keep growing, my love for you keeps showing.

"I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it. And if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure don't deserve me at my best."

Removing myself

Once again, I'm the idiot. Once again, I'm the fool. Once again, I'm the one who gets hurt. Once again, I'm the abnormal one. Once again, I'm the naive one.

I should really just end my life. I should really just remove myself from the equation and get it over with.

Think about it

"Be the change you want to be in the world" ~ Mahatma Gandhi

I'll tell you something I don't understand. How can they hammer you, in school, about something and when you reach university it suddenly loses it's importance.

Something else I don't grasp. Why in the world would you convince people to do good academically. Then when a student comes to you to ask about their achievement, to better the results, you tell them to stop worrying about their marks. You say that it is "unnecessary" to do great. To achieve their best.

Then I ask you, what is the point of it all then?

When humans complain about the state of their country, but in the same breath say that spelling and writing is not important, I feel they have no right to complain. When you look at how easy it is to become a "know-it-all" with the power to rule a country. I ask you, what is the point of studying and getting a degree? What is the point of university, if every second baboon meets the requirements.

When you look at the facts, it really is no wonder. When you look at the standards, the evidence is clear as to why we're struggling. It is no wonder we're living in an era of smart phones and stupid people. It's no wonder we're losing our precious world.

Look around people, stop trying to be better than every body else and help the weaker become stronger. Help build the future.

Stop allowing people to change you. Stop complaining about the state of things and be the change you want to see in the world. Because only through failure, you will learn to succeed.

Be strong. Be brave. Never, ever give up.

Doubt

 And for the first time I have this strange feeling.

It's the feeling of doubt.

A feeling only felt, I believe, as result of my past and everything I've been through. Or maybe it's a feeling felt because of all the things happening around me. Or because of all the questions asked.

I've never really thought about any of these things, because to me they don't seem that important. I mean, a relationship is based on the amount of effort both parties put in. Not on who the main provider is. Or how much money the main member will make.

Then I started thinking about all these questions.

Will you be able to provide for the both of us, in case something might happen. Or will it be okay if I'm the money-maker in the relationship.

What will happen when your dreams fail you? What will you have behind your name - other than experience?

Will they ever accept you for the way you are. Or did they make a decision about who they think you are, so they're sticking to it.

When we talk, it feels like days can go by. When people ask me what intelligent things we talk about, I can't think of anything. I just remember the times we laughed together - and those times are quite often.

Why will I doubt something that makes me happy?

Why will the people around me ask so many questions and not accept my hearts decision?

I can't choose who I fall in love with. I don't choose who I like. Things like that just happen.

I can be broke and I'll still be happy with you.

Life is not about what we get out of it, it's about what we do for it. If I'm happy, let me be. Please.

If this happiness doesn't last, it'll probably be my next lesson from God - and that is just fine with me. I'd rather learn all the lessons I can - and remember all the good times - than try to be happy all the time, while miserably failing.

Doubt isn't a good feeling. It makes ones mind go crazy. It takes away ones smile. It destroys beautiful things.

I don't doubt my feelings for the one I like. I have no doubt that we will last. I have no doubt in the fact that the one I like won't hurt me.

This time, I'm choosing my hearts decision and I'm sticking to the choice i made.

Worst to worse

The worst thing, is losing a friend. Worse than that, is losing yourself. To know that you're busy grabbing the steering wheel back from God - and not having any control over it, while knowing that it's wrong.

The worst thing is when people underestimate you. Worse than that is when you underestimate yourself.

The worst thing is being negative. Worse than that is not doing anything positive to change that.

The worst thing, is not knowing who you are. Worse than that is to know who you are, but being too afraid to be yourself.

The worst thing is to be alone. Worse than that, is being around millions of people and still feeling alone.

The worst thing is when you disappoint yourself. Worse than that, is when you see the disappointment in somebody else's eyes, to hear it in somebody else's voice.

The worst thing is to recognize that you are weak as a person. Worse than that is when you give your very best - and it still isn't good enough.

The worst thing is not having the strength to do something. Worse than that, is not looking for strength in the right place. And even worse than that is when you know that you're looking for strength in the wrong place.

The worst thing is when you keep postponing matters, because you're afraid to do something. Worse than that is when you don't know what you're afraid of.

The worst thing is being sad. Worse than that is when you have to hide the pain.

The worst thing is to disagree with people. Worse than that, is having to keep quiet about your opinion.

The worst thing is when you want to be quiet. Worse than that is when, due to circumstances, you can't be quiet.

The worst thing is seeing you. Even worse than that is actually wanting to see you, wanting to talk to you, but the memories hurt too much.

The worst thing is falling in love. Even worse than that, is knowing you don't even stand a chance.

The worst thing is to know how awesome your day will be, if you just start your day right. Worse than that, is not starting your day right.

Who am I? Where do I fit in? What is my purpose? Why am I here? How do I have to live, if I want to live right? How should I deal with others? How do I unload? How do I stay positive every day? How do I stay me, without changing me?
(3 Aug 2011)

Cautiously excited

When you plan something, you kind of create your own expectations of how things are going to work. What you're going to wear. What you're going to pack. What you're going to do. All the small things.

Then plans change. When plans change, the first emotion is disappointment. Then you get frustrated at yourself for getting disappointed. Then you get frustrated for getting frustrated. And when you finally figure out what the source of your problem might be, you've already infected the people around you.

When you phoned, you gave me a fright. You spoke with tears in your eyes. Your voice breaking. The bad news having an effect on you, which affected me. I had no words. I didn't know how to make it better for you.

Then all our plans changed and changed again.

Originally we would have stayed a while, then go home and visit there. Now we're going to make a short stop - lunching with mom and telling dad that you're stealing his daughter for a while. Then we're spending time with your family. A shock I didn't see coming.

I wasn't prepared to meet your folks this soon. And I never dreamed that it would be under these unfortunate circumstances. But all this is our first real challenge.

We've been challenged before and so far we've made it through the small things. This time the challenge is way bigger, with way more sub-challenges.

So I've been through quite a few emotions and I've decided that I'm excited about our next few days together.

Cautiously excited about meeting your folks. Cautiously excited about introducing you to my folks. Cautiously excited about seeing you again.

Cautiously excited about you and me and our journey together.
(11 Sept. 2012)

Look around!

When you look around, staring at the world. How many people do you see smiling.

When you've noticed the few smiling, concentrate on their skin colour.

How sad is it not, that on average there is more coloured people smiling than there is white people. How sad is it not that, on average, white people or students have more than coloured people or students. Or am I mistaken?

How sad is it not that greed envelopes those who have enough to give away. And those who don't have, will give even the little they have - until they have no more to give.

Music on. World off.

But sometimes even the loudest music isn't loud enough to drown out the ignorance, irresponsibility, arrogance, unfriendliness and pure irritation of reality.

Sometimes being decent just isn't enough. Sometimes you don't want the world to see you.  Sometimes you just know that they won't understand.

It's a given!

Your whole life, you've been searching for somebody you can give every bit of you. Your whole life, you've been searching for somebody to adore. Somebody to treat. Somebody to care for. Somebody to pamper. Somebody who understands you for you. Who'll except you for who you are - excitement and all. Somebody to love.

My whole life, I've been looking for somebody who'll let me take care of them. Somebody who will take me for me. Somebody who'll handle me at my worst and appreciate me at my best. My whole life, I've been searching for somebody who'll go to the ends of the Earth to make sure I'm okay - even when I say I am.

In life, we go through stages. Times where you try new things. Times where you hide away. Times where things are exciting and new. Times where things go wrong. Times where you know what to do and times where you don't. Times where you trust easily and times where you don't trust at all.

Every person has a dark side. Every person has a side they hide. Then somebody special comes into ones life and you get comfortable. When maximum comfort is reached, the special somebody get to meet the person's hidden side. That is when the decision is made. Will the special somebody stick with the person - even after they've met the hidden side. The dark side.

I'm terrified that you would one day decide to pack your things, because of my dark side.

What if you come home one night, tired and exhausted because of work. What if, on that exact same time, I have a bad day - my emotions are mixed up, or I'm just grumpy and can't hide it. What if we fight and you decide to walk.

These questions ponder around in my head. And some part of me know that I'm being crazy and you won't do something like that to me, to you, to us. But still, there remains a very small part of me terrified of the slightest possibility of that happening.

Then I look into your eyes again and I see all the reassurance I need. I see that you are the one who can handle my worst days. I see you letting me take care of you. I see that even when we can't figure out exactly what's going on inside, we'll still be able to work through all the rough patches.

We'll both say what's on our mind. We'll have the power, the strength and the will of the Lord. And in His time, His plans will work as they should.

Stolen kiss

 From that moment you stole that kiss...

In my days, I always make a guy wait at least a month before they could even think about kissing me - I needed to make sure they were the real deal and not just a one time thing. I had to be sure that they would stick around, even the times I forbade physical touch in our relationship.

I had to make sure they liked me for me and not for my body or my kiss.

The one time I let my guard down. That one time proved to be my biggest lesson yet. A lesson I shall not forget. A lesson I don't want to learn again.

With you, it was different. We talked for months, before I got the chance to see you again. With you, I had time to fall in love - over and over and over again.

And just as I started thinking that my mind was creating it's own reality, you would do something to reassure me that you were real. Just as I was sure that I started living in my minds own reality, you showed up and made my dreams come true.

Then you stole a kiss. You stole one kiss and made sure my heart skipped a beat when you stole a second kiss.

Now that I can call you mine, and you can call me yours, we can build this relationship on a Rock-foundation. Our Rock would be our Father that art in heaven - for His love knows no boundaries and with Him in our lives, we can be sure to be safely wrapped in His arms.

 I didn't say yes the first time you asked me to be yours, in your arms while we both stole a glance at our star. I wanted to wait and tell my dad - tell my dad that it's all real and not something my mind created.

But just before you asked me a second time, the second time also being just as our star made it's appearance. Just before the second time you asked me, you stole a kiss. And by stealing that kiss, I was already yours to hold.

From that moment you kissed me, there was no turning back. No second guessing. No running away.

From that moment your lips touched mine, you took my breath away. You sealed our future. You claimed me to be yours to see what the future holds. Together we will face life's little ups and downs.

Together, you and I.