The devil within

A dark room, two people. One blinded by anger, the other confused by emotions. Both keen to relieve the world of both their personalities. One a knife in their hand, the other a paper thin rope. The one known as light, the other known as darkness. Darkness with the knife, ready to slice and colour the world with red. Light with the rope, ready to shred souls into oblivion. Both gorgeous to the eye, both loved by the human race. both wishing to leave the earth.

Ever dreamed of a silence, where even your brain stops thinking - I have. And I wish for that silence every day. A silence where no person can tell you what to do or what to think. A silence where no person enrages you. A silence where your thoughts come to rest and life becomes peaceful. A silence I wish for every day.

When I get provoked, I don't retract to protect,  I attack to kill - only I don't do it in real life, I create the scenario in my head. I imagine every detail, every movement, every feeling, every consequence. Then I take in every emotion and drown myself in it. I drown myself in emotions so real, that it becomes too much to handle. Until I become numb.

Imagine someone you loath, standing in a room. And darkness closes in, slowly but precisely cutting the skin with a razor sharp knife. The person just standing there, screaming and wishing for mercy, but unable to move an inch. No imagine you being the person and you being darkness. That is how I make myself numb. That is how I release myself from anger. That is how I slowly kill myself from the inside. That is what happens with every single emotion.

And that is why I wish I could just remove myself, remove darkness, remove light from the world and with it my story, my existence, my memory and every memory any person has ever had about me. It would be an easier world, a more peaceful word. It would be perfect!

Just another one of those

I've been told a few times that you'r a good person to have around, just because you're happy within yourself and you don't need other people's acceptance. What I've come to realize, is that you might not need other people's acceptance, but you hurt the people around you and you just don't care. And I've decided that I don't want to be just another one of those people. For the world consists of more than just you and your needs. This world consists of more than just me and my world. The world consists of more than just one person and their needs. This world is a web of personalities, each reacting in a different way when life hands them lemons.

I wonder how life would be if you had to live with every single person in your life, before you get the chance to decide whether or not you like somebody or not. Before I had to live with you, I thought you were a pretty okay type of person. Now that I live with you, I realize there's more than meets the eye.

You don't care about any other person's opinion. You feel that you are always right and there's nothing to it. You keep rectifying me when you feel that I don't know what I'm talking about. Well guess again, I actually do know what I'm talking about. You should stop and realize that you're not the only person with a degree behind you name. You're not the only person with an opinion. You're not the only person who knows what they're talking about. You're the only person with dreams and goals. You're not the only person with challenges in your life. You're like a parasite in my life from which I just cannot run. Well at least not for now.

Knowing this, I realize that I'm afraid of my own future. I can easily adapt to any personality I have to live with - even if the person has little annoying habits. What if the man in my life can't live with my little annoying habits?

Will he be able to handle me 24/7?

I guess the answer for that is yes. For when the right person comes along - everything might not be perfect, but everything works out to the best. And your other puzzle piece will be able to handle you at your worst as well as at your best. For the perfect fit is not a perfect person, but a person who loves another perfectly.

Consuming... Confusing

"When you can explain why you love somebody, it's not called -love- it's simply called -like-. For loving somebody doesn't need a reason. It never did need a reason."


When I met the man of my dreams I never thought I'd have to write a list of reasons to why I love him. Since when are people obliged to write down a list of reasons to why one loves a person. For when you write a list, are you writing it according to that which you know the person wants to hear, or are you writing that which you know is true. For every person has a different meaning of love. And who says my reasons for loving a person will be good enough for the person who acquired the list?

For one would love a family member, simply because they're family. And one would love a friend, simply for they are a friend. And one would love they neighbor, simply because they're the neighbor. So why would one require a list of reasons to explain why one loves the man of they dreams?

I have a million reasons to why we fit perfectly. I have a million reasons why you're the one for me. I have a million reasons as to why this will work. And I know this is love. For when one knows, one knows. There's no explaining it. There's no way to grasp love. Love is not something to define. Love is something to feel. Something to experience.

He needs no reason to love her. He simply loves her for all the things they've been through. She simply loves him for all the way's he's carried her. There's no reasons, for no reason is needed when you love. No explanation is required. Love is simply a feeling. It's simply a connection between two people who will go to the ends of Earth to be with one another. It's simply two people who will provide and forgive. Who will trust and understand. Who will learn and live. Who will face the challenges of the world together.

Love isn't a list of reasons. Love simply is.

You don't give a fuck, do you?

See, so I've learned a few thing in my life. One of them being: "As life goes by, you learn to trust no one but yourself." I never thought that would be true - people aren't that spineless are they?

In life you get simple humans, greedy humans, spineless humans, psycho's and now and then you even get an angel. Not that angels are that simple. You get angels, fallen angels and even the demons. Well isn't life interesting!

Nothing in this life is as it appears. Every person has a secret they prefer not to share and sometimes that secret destroys your life. For in movies it's easy, as soon as a decision makes its appearance, the decision is made for you. One of the variables are killed or disappears. In life, it's not that simple. In life you have to physically make the decision AND live with the consequences. No choice can be made without a consequence.

Let me tell you a story, about an simple human - a human who never makes the right decisions no matter how hard she tries. Her fist decision was made at the age of two - not that she can remember the decision, but thereafter the decisions got more difficult. Each decision has responsibility and counter actions, each decision has variables you can't control and some you can, each decision will hurt somebody in your life. Decisions aren't easy and they shouldn't be made lightly.

The first decision she had to make was as simple as sleeping over at a friend, or staying home where she knew everything and her parents were near. She was two. She had to make the decision. If she chose to go, what would happen. Could she trust this friend, regardless that they know each other since birth. Could she trust that her friend's parents would take care of her. Could she trust that there would be enough food. Could she trust that she will live to see her parents again. What would happen when they had a fight, it's not like she could just phone her parents to pick her up after the midnight hours, just because two two-year-old children had a silly argument about what to watch, what to eat, when to swim. Or in a lighter aspect. Would it be a crazy adventure she'll never forget. On the other hand, she could stay home. But would she then forever wonder about what she missed out on.

She was two, she was curious, she was an adventure craving two year old - naturally she chose the sleepover. Her decision had an effect - as small as the decision was. She was two, her parents would be awake the whole night, worrying, wondering, thinking, hoping... Her dad had to let her go - a decision he never found easy. Her mom not showing the effect it has on her, "let the child go". Curios as she was - her mind weren't ready for the affect one decision can have on a person.

They were two kids, playing the whole day and the adventure continued and ended up as a sleep-over. What could be better than two friends spending time together? If only she knew then what she knows today. But would she then have learned anything?

The sleep-over started as fun and then the arguments started. And in a few years from then she would realize that this friend, she thought to be her best friend, would be person to give away her deepest secrets. Lesson #1: Never trust anybody but yourself. Lesson not learned, for this two-year-old, bright-eyed, innocent child believed that the world was a beautiful place and the bad things that happened to her was only because of not her - who else? And she would be able to handle it. She didn't want anybody to go through the pain she had to go through everyday. And she wasn't the type of person to ask for help - why would she show her weaker side to the world? She was strong. She was an angel, without ever knowing it. A fallen angel who believed that in some way she would be able to help change the world to a better place. A fallen angel who had trouble deciding which side she wanted to choose. So she decided to stay on the border line - the safest place she could find. The only place she thought wouldn't hurt any person - if only she knew then what she knows now, she would have been an angel by now. She would have left this world when she had the choice.

All through her life, she met people and only saw the good in them. Call it a curse, call it a blessing, either way there will always be pain and she would always hide it.

She survived life, she survived choices, she survived people. She made it to the age of 21 - the big one. The age where you're you're supposed to be able to make all the choices in your life, the age where you're supposed to be able to have the right to do anything you want - or so you're taught in school, if only she knew then what she knows now. And until the age of 21, a few more "best friends" came and went. And every time she had to learn the same lesson: "Never trust anybody but yourself" - and over and over again, lesson not learned.

She met someone who at first didn't like her. She was too much of herself. She was too sure of her choices. Or so the reasons were given when they became friends. Everything went well and she thought she finally found a friend who would be able to handle her, who would be able to accept her for what she is. Unfortunately this new "friend" turned out to be just another "best friend" to leave her to bleed. They did everything together and she shared her pain with her new found friend. Until they spent too long together and this new found "friend" decided to hit the road with. Oh don't worry, she gave the reasons. Unfortunately she didn't give the truth. "I'm keeping my distance, because I don't want to do more damage to this friendship. I see you as my best friend and I never want to change that". And then this "best friend" walks past and doesn't even say hi, only looks at her as if she's the devil herself. Interesting life we live, isn't it?

Today, she's older and wiser. Not that it ads to her decision. Still she decides to trust the world. Still she believes that this world is not a place filled with people who would hurt you on purpose. Still she makes the same decisions. Still she is hurt every day.

So in life, there are more than just people. There are more than just what you see. In this life it's all about how you see the world.

So the next time you decide to just make a decision without thinking about the consequences that can follow, remember the story about the girl who had to make her first decision at the age of two. Think about the girl who accepts the world as a good place and who gets hurt every time. Look at your decision. Look into the decision's eye and look for the angel, look for the demon, look for the human. look for the love, look for the pain. Have a good look before you just decide to choose either one or the other as if the decision won't even matter in a few years. Your decision will always have an effect on someone, somewhere in this life we live.

Not supposed to be here

Have you ever wondered why you were placed on this earth?

Have you ever wondered why you were made the way you were?

Have you ever wondered if everything is really as it seems, or is everything we see and do just another thing invented by man?

Have you ever wondered if the Bigger Thing really is what humans make it to be?

Have you ever wondered if maybe we're missing the point?

I've wondered about all of the above and once again I'm wondering about the reason I'm alive. Once again I'm wondering about the reason for my existence. Once again I'm wondering about the reason for the way I am. Once again I'm wishing that I wasn't where I am. Once again I'm wishing to just not be.

Everywhere I go, I hurt people by accident. Everywhere I go, I do things I don't remember. Everywhere I go, I cause trouble and pain. Everywhere I go, I make friends and then hurt them just by being me. Everywhere I go, I wish that I never existed. Everywhere I go, I disappoint people. Everywhere I go, I loose people close to me.

Why was I created with a personality that chases away people? Why was I created without the ability to control my emotions?

Was I created to destroy or did the years of pain cause me to become a destroyer? Did the creator mean to make me a person who hurts others, who says hurtful things without meaning to and then not to remember? Did the creator mean to make me forget the things I do and say? Was I meant to be this ugly person?

Was I meant to be somebody who wonders about everything? Was I meant to be somebody who asks all the questions? Was I meant to be somebody who irritates the people around me? Was I meant to be somebody who struggles with everything? Was I meant to be somebody who never gives up? Was I meant to be somebody who takes all the punches, because I don't want others to get hurt? Was I meant to be this doubting person? Was I meant to be this person who doesn't trust the world, but trusts easy enough to get hurt?

For if I wasn't made to be who I am now? What was I made to be? Who am I meant to be? What am I supposed to do?

Just a dream

Have you ever wondered if a dream is just a dream? Or do you believe a dream has more meaning to it than just being a dream?

I often convince myself that a dream is just a dream, but most of the times my brain fights back and convince me that there should be more to the dream than it just being a dream. For why would your mind conceive such reality if it did not have any meaning?

Then I start thinking about the dream and I start to wonder exactly why my mind would torture me with dreams and visions like these.

Why would my mind let me dream about a person who I liked, but never liked me back. And then started
liking me as soon as I was happy in my relationship. Why would my mind let me dream of something I've thought about doing when I was single, when it would have worked, while I'm happily in a relationship?

Why would my mind confuse me and make me wonder about my feelings and motives? Why would my mind make me want to give in, to end this torture, to stop dreaming, to stop living.

Why would my mind torture me when all I need is sleep and rest.

Let me be, let me sleep without shouting in the middle of the night without any reason. Let me sleep, without dreams that haunt me throughout the day.

Let me sleep dear mind, let me sleep!

Pixie fate

Why is it that the free-spirited pixie has no wings and the irresponsible pixie, the immature pixie and the unstable pixie get beautiful rainbow-coloured wings and they are motivated to learn how to fly and leave the tree bark and find their own mushrooms to start their own lives.

Free-spirited Gazelle just want to start with her life and live it the way she would like and do the things she wants to do, the way she would like to do them.


She want's to take the burden off her fairy-parent's shoulders and give them less to worry about. She want's them to focus more on her younger siblings and no about her. She is turning 222 and it's time for her to leave the bark and start small with her own mushroom with her own toad coins.

She wants to explore Pixie Land, the World, the Universe. She wants to see everything and experience all Seasons. She wants to meet new people and get tired of the new people so she can travel further and meet new people. She wants to WOW every fairy, pixie, dragon, troll and toad she meets. she wants to give in to her fears ad learn how to defeat them.


And most of all she wants to start the adventure with Valiant. To share dreams and create new dreams. To fall in love and fall in love all over again. To learn new things. To experience the good, the bad and the ugly. To make petals and house creatures of the night and beasts of the day. To make friends with all pixie kings and queens, all trolls, dragons, goblins and gnomes.

So give Gazelle her wings, let her roam free. Let her be she and live her dreams. Let her take the burden off your caring shoulders and let her live her fantasies.

Emotion roller-coaster!

Have you ever wished for an off-switch for your mind? Ever just wished that your mind could stop thinking - even if it was just for a second, a minute, or maybe a whole day? Or maybe just be quiet when you ask it to be quiet. Unfortunately, I have a mind with a personality of it's own - so the chances of that happening is slim to zero.

My mind wanders constantly. I'd start thinking about one thing and before I get to the conclusion of that
which I was thinking, I start thinking about something else. It's the same when I talk to someone.

I want to start my life, live my dreams, do the things I want to do - my way!

Now I'm stuck in the mud. I need to finish what I started three years ago. I need to get something behind my name before I could start my life. Before we could start a life. But you decided to do something adventurous this year and leave me for the dogs.

You're enjoying your life and I'm suffering through the last bit of something I can't just leave. You really chose a horrible year to run away from the things that irritate you. You could have just waited one more year, then we could have done the adventure together. we could have made double the money. We could have started us. Now I'm on this side of the world thinking about how easy you had your life without me and I'm wondering if i'm not spoiling your life for you. I'm wondering if I should just let you be, if I should just set you free to do the things as you've done them before.

Then I remember who you were before we met. You gave your life to alcohol and late nights. You didn't care about life. How I missed that I don't know, but that is typical me - I always see the good in people, until they disappoint me and then I wish I never existed.

How much easier would life be if I could silence my mind. If I could stop the blabbering. If I was on my own with my own money. If I didn't have to rely on anybody else. If I didn't have to worry about making anybody proud. How much better would life have been without me in it?

A murder in December

Have you ever wished that you could just die? I do - and quite often, may I just add. Death by accidents, death by torture, death in my sleep - you name it, I've dreamt it. Then it happened...

It all ended one December.

Rose met the man of her dreams, Jake and everything just seemed to fall in place. As if her life began to go in the direction of a fairy tale. Or so she thought. See, she had a problem. Her dark shadow always lingered, biting at her heels.

Rose was an average girl - studying with ambition to become the best Jack of all trades the world has ever seen. She had aspirations and her goal was to make sure that the whole world knew her name. she wanted to be the example every teen had to follow. Every business man wanted as a partner. The woman every man desired, yet only one had her heart. Only one could tame this woman, wild at heart.

Jake was a scruffy know it all guy - with passion and dreams beyond what you can imagine. His only wish was to live in the wild. To live were people don't often stay long, where man and beast live in harmony. He owned the world, or so he thought. That was until he met her and his whole life changed. Suddenly he had something to live for. Every man has his dark past and Jake's past was a dark daunting one, yet his heart was stolen by a shy talkative girl who became his world.

When they met, neither of them had any idea how important they'll be to each other one day. They mocked and joked and got to know each other. And as all stories go, they fell in love and a beautiful story started unfolding - even between their strange circumstances. Between funerals and drama incidents they got to know each other.

He took her gift, which bound them on every level you can possibly imagine. He didn't force it the first time and the time he took the gift, they talked through the whole experience. Their two soles became one. It was beautiful and ever lasting. Passion glowed between the two and tales of ever lasting love were written between two soles. He came to know every detail on her body and she became used to the idea of a future together, a future where everything turned out exactly the way they planned it. They got to know every secret, every desire, every weakness, every dream, every fear. They told a story of love and ever lasting friendship. A story that could be written until the end of time, until both their lives ended - plus three days.

But that is a fairy tale and this story is not about some or other happy ending. This story is about a girl, who met a guy. Obviously the guy changed her life. Unfortunately her dark shadow was overpowering. This story is about that shadow devouring her sole and crusher her existence.

For Rose had a most unfortunate curse that prohibited her from experiencing ever lasting happiness. She had a sickness that no medicine could heal, she had a sickness she had hoped that love would be able to heal. Unfortunately in relationships and in love, it requires energy to cope with accidents that change plans. For Jake ended up in a hospital and suddenly all their future plans changed. Suddenly everything didn't seem so perfect anymore.

She did her best, she tried being strong for him. She tried being strong for his family. She tried being strong for those who couldn't be. She tried to be the one that could help anybody with any problem or request they had. She didn't sleep and she didn't eat. Her dreams turned into nightmares where she gets stolen away, where she was forbidden to see her true love. She chose not to show this weakness to anybody. She refused to be a let down. She refused to let herself accept that she needed help.

(Writer's blog... Until further notice, the writer will be taking a break.)

Never drive when you are angry

Have you ever experienced a mixture of emotions so strong that it feels as if your heart wants to burst out and all you think about is ending your life and making the emotions go away. Life sound so much easier if I'm not in it!

Never drive when you are angry... I did!

When you see someone making the same mistakes as you and you see that they realise it, but they just continue with it - it boils the anger like never before. You are angry at the person for not listening. Then you get angry, because you made the same mistake. Then you get angry because they're making the mistake. And then the anger loses control when they just continue with the mistake they know they're making.

So I thought of all the places I can drive to, so I could end my life. Car accidents happen every day and it's easy to leave life that way.

When you're angry and you drive, you don't think rational.

And I realised something today. When I get angry, tears stream down my face and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. So I drove faster and cranked the music up louder. I almost drove into a wall when I reached 160km/h. Then I realised what the costs should be - in case I survive the accident. Then I realised what drama I might cause if I don't.

Being me is a huge pain in the ass! I wish with all my heart that I just never existed.

Life would be so much easier if I never happened!