I went to school, got there late and still something felt weird.
I see you standing there, doing your Friday duties.
Not knowing how to handle the awkward situation i find myself in, i start saying silly things and try hiding it by using my phone. We walk to my class and put my bag down.
We walk further. She makes a comment. One you don't hear. But inside of me, i wish you heard it.
I walk with you to get your bag. It feels weird holding your hand. Like it wasn't meant to be held. Time goes by. We walk to first period.
Science.
They are kicking the hard soccer ball around again, just like the previous week. Not wanting her to get hurt, hearing the fear in her voice (she's been hurt enough), i ask them kindly to stop for a while. They don't hear me. I ask again, this time in a louder voice if they could just stop for a while. They hear me this time. They stop. We start walking. They start ooh-ing, giving me lip. Mocking me. We walk further. Some of the voices I recognize. Some of the faces I see. It's the same old same old. They start kicking the ball again, making sure they kick it in our direction. He picks up the ball. And in a mocking tone, he starts repeating what i said. Louder and louder, shouting and repeating it. I look down and start walking a bit faster, making sure she is still next to me. Making sure the ball does not hit her. Tears come streaming down my face. I put down my bag. I turn around. She gives me a hug.
It cracks me.
The tears are unstoppable. I go to the bathroom. Try to stop the tears. My eyes are red. I get them normal again and walk back to the classroom. I just sit there, knowing that when I open my mouth the tears will come streaming down my face again. I didn't want to be embarrassed again. We get our tests back. 66%. Not what I hoped for. I studied so hard. I put the other papers on top of it. We start handling the test. I made stupid mistakes. She looks at me. Knowing she didn't do it on purpose, but why did she choose today to pick on me. How can I be the only one who made the stupid mistakes. I look down at my desk. The people with problems go to her.
He comes and gives me a hug, asking me if I'm okay. The tears start streaming down my face again. I walk out. And for the second time try and make the tears stop. I walk back to the classroom again. My eyes a bit pink. We start working. Nothing going in.
The bell rings and I walk out. There you are. You look a bit down today, but I don't know why. And I can't ask, because I know, if I open my mouth the tears will come streaming down again. You ask whats wrong. I just shake my head. Hoping that the tears would stay where they are. We walk in silence. And something feels weird. You hold my hand tighter, ripping me back to reality. I feel safe with you. Afrikaans goes by. The bell rings. I manage to ask you if I can put your file away. We walk and you ask if we can sit by your friends today. I remember about math. We walk to the C-block. I put down my bag to start with my homework. You say you'll see me later and walk away. It's funny the day I need you the most is the day you weren't next to me. The bell rings and I feel confused. I ask if its the beginning of break or the ending. Beginning.
I walk towards the office. On my way to ask Mr. Booysen if i may stay at home Saturday. I look down the hall. Mrs Coetzee sees me and gives me a hug. Tears come rolling down my face. She looks at me, asks me whats wrong, and holds me again. I try to explain, but the tears are streaming down my face again. We walk a while. I tell her the story. She tries to comfort me and it works a bit. I walk down the isle. Mr Booysen is busy. I turn around. I get myself something to eat and walk back.
She grabs me and hugs me. Refusing to let go. "Jy kan maar probeer, maar ek gan jou nie nou los nie". I hugged back. Tears streaming down my face. Soon everybody was around me, trying to find out why I'm so emotional. All of them comforting me with their words. Telling me that they are scoundrels and not worth anything of me. I feel a bit better. And start smiling. Laughing at my stupidity. She makes me laugh about my science test, because of what she did in her accounting test. I feel better. I get hugs from all around. A teacher walks by. "My jinne Yolandi, ek ken jou mos nie so nie". I start laughing again. She starts explaining. "As ek jou raad kan gee, moenie jou top oor simpel seuntjies nie, hulle is nie dit werd nie. Konsentreer eerder op die een wat jy het en klou vas aan hom. Want hy is beter. Hy is iets werd". I smile, thankful.
The bell rings and I walk to math. A bit late, because I talked to gr8ts. I walk into the classroom. She asks if I'm okay. I say yes and get my books out. We work. He turns around and gives me a sweet, and asks for the second time if I'm okay. I smile, thankful for the sugar and nod my head. Math goes by quick. Next is Technical Drawings. In the class I get my stuff out. Help him with his questions. Laugh at him, trying his best to make me feel better. The teacher comes in. I take my old work. It had to be in a week or 2 ago. I ask him to help me. We sit down and he helps me. Busy with my stuff he stands up again. He comes and sits down and makes me laugh by saying the same silly thing he says every time I look sad, "jinne kyk nou net weer hier. Moenie my aankyk asof ek 'n hamburger is nie". Time goes by quick. They call my name over the intercom. The bell rings.
I pack up my stuff and in a better mood walk up. There you are. I want to leap into your arms and kiss you, but for some strange reason I can't. You say you'll walk with me. You look down. In some way different. I can't quite figure out why. You say you're okay. We go and stand by your friends. They make me laugh by just being themselves, caught up in a phone game. I feel better. My spirit lifted in a way. And then just before the bell rings he makes a comment. Reminding me of what happened.
I feel angry and want to walk away. You pull me back, ask me what happened. I tell you. And that instant you changed. It was like day changing into night. You could see the fierce fire in your eyes. And for the first time, i got scared. The bell rang. We walked. Your hands not in mine but in your shorts. I feel scared, I felt guilty for what had happened. I felt stupid for how I handled the situation. I wanted to grab your hand. I wanted to turn and hug you. Say that I'm okay and kiss you. But I couldn't. Something was blocking me. You put your bag on your back. I give you a hug, but you don't hug back. Not like you used to. I can feel your anger. I grab you hand, to squeeze it like always. But you walk away. I didn't even get the chance to tell you i love you. You hit the plant. And I get scared again. I feel guilty for what I did.
I walk to class. Time goes by. The bell rings. I ask Mrs Walters if I may quickly go to Mr Booysen. I ask him if I may stay at home Saturday. He grants me permission. I want to walk out. He asks me if I'm ok. I turn around. Tears streaming down my face. He tells me to sit and I tell him the whole story. He comforts me. Tells me that they are not worth 2 tears of me. "Daai klomp seuns is nie 2 trane van jou werd nie. Raas help nie. Al wat jy nou kan doen is om hulle te vergewe, want hulle weet nie wat hul doen ni. Klink dit bekend? Vergewe hulle, want hulle weet nie wat hulle doen ni. Kry hulle jammer en vanaand wanner jy jou oë sluit, is dit net jy en Hy. Bid vir hulle. Daniël is 'n uitsondering. Hy is baie werd" I start smiling, the thought of you bringing joy to me "hy maak saak, nie enige van hierdie ander poepholle nie". I walked out of his office. Feeling a lot better. Walking into the classroom I got a snooty comment, very unnecessary "kyk wie's nou gevang bank". I just went and sat down, not even bothering to look him in the eyes. I got my book out. "where should you start reading from? I'm not sure ma'am". You could hear the cry in my voice. "Okay its fine I'll read a bit more". She read 2 more paragraphs. She read mine. I started reading, unprepared. I did quite good for unprepared reading. The bell rang.
She attacked me. Smiling from ear to ear. "Jy moes vir Daniël gesien het". "Hys baie kwaad". "Nee nie dit nie, hy was baie cute. Jufrou wou toesluit en toe slaap hy vas. Toe sê sy ons moet saggies uitloop. Hy's net nou 'n kwaaikie". They babbled on. I looked up. There you were. The whole world disappeared around me. I only saw you. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be in your arms. Away from everything.
Only me and you.
She held the money out and I snapped back to reality. I took the money and walked right to you. I hugged you. But you didn't hug back in the way you always do. I tried to make the situation less awkward. You're still angry. I can feel it. Your kind like you always are. You help her with the projector. I take your bag. I wait for you. Wanting to tell you so badly that I'm fine and that everything was going to be alright. You came back. Everything happened so fast. He takes over like he always does. I give him attitude. Not meaning anything really. You pull me back. Telling me that I can give him attention later. I don't want to give him attention! I want to be with you. In your arms away from everything, away from everybody. But how can I be so selfish? You don't belong to me, I don't own you. You belong to the world. And the world is yours to own. You walk away. Something does not feel right. I pull you back, in my head something cries: No! You can't go! I pull you back. And say these words: "I laf you". Hoping that it will make you feel better. It doesn't.
Something is not right.
I can feel the anger burning inside of you. I felt scared. Today for the first time in my life, i felt afraid. For the first time, i was scared.
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