Finding the one...

I think I may have found the one...

I don't know how many times I might have said that, that is one of the many things my mind fails to remember... but this time, it feels like the one.

It has only been a few days, since we both confessed liking each other... It has only been a few days since he confessed that he has been fighting for me - for quite a few years now...

We have four years of history, our own ups and downs... We have both lived our lives in our own separate ways... We have both found who we are - and who we would like to be... We have both experimented with the colorful waters and accepted that we won't find anything there...

They have always told me - and I have quoted them quite a few times, to people with the same pain:
When you love somebody, let them go. When they come back, they are truly meant to be yours and are yours to keep. If they never come back, they were never yours to begin with.


I have always found that as a brilliant excuse to hide ones true feelings... but now that I have experienced the feelings, I am starting too think that it has always been true...

But when you fight it, and not let go of the one you love... destiny can't find its way back to you... but as soon as you let go - no matter when that it - destiny would find you... and I think it has found me!

My shoes are tied

While in a relationship, I thought was perfect, I was always looking and wishing for things I liked...

Things to make my heart melt...  Things I never received, so I started giving them.

Foolishly thinking that it was enough!

Receiving it, it felt so unreal and untrue... It scared me and I ran... Not too it, but away from it - not knowing that I was running from exactly what I wanted --- what I have wanted for quite a while, what I have always wanted...

It finding me at every turn I make... Still being too blind to see it and still running - you never stopping!

Finally my eyes open and it is the most frightening feeling ever  - inexplicable, the feeling most dreaded. And most thought about.

I am content, now that I have allowed it to embrace me, my shoes are tied... Tied by your persistence.

Anger and frustration

Frustration and anger eats at you, like a migraine eats at your head!

I feel like hitting something, I feel like braking and bashing!

I am over being treated like a foul piece of scrap, picked up on the way.

Get me out of here, let me live. Let me be myself!

Killing myself seems like the most fun at the moment and the possibility of it happening seems more likely every minute that ticks by.

The dogs will be well looked after and I will be forgotten soon enough in their worlds.

The family won't realize it soon enough and caring about that - me? no! not anymore!

You have heard what I am too them, just someone who sits on a throne and looks down on other people. Well, I am not!! And I never dream of being!

I'm sick of living like this and the sooner the scenery changes, the better.

Death will be as welcoming as an ice cream is welcomed in heat...

~ 11 Jan 2012

Bottling up

I've tried the 'bottling-up-everything' method, but it hurt too much. So I don't bottle up anymore.

What I feel, I say.

What I think, I write.

What I say, I mean.

What I feel, I remember.

Who I am, I am.

~ 7 Jan 2012

I just can't let you go

I keep thinking about you, all the things we always do... The fun we have, the moments that last... I keep dreaming that I'm happily in your arms, yours to hold forever...

I keep hoping that I can become your world, because I hate how much I love you... I can't stand how much I need you...

But I just can't let you go!

Decided destiny

If you're not a Twilight saga fan... then nothing I'm about to write will make any sense...

My life and Bella's life seem too similar!

It is as if it is decided that I have too choose Edward...

What if I don't want too??? What if I want to choose Jake? What if I need Jake more? Why would you deny me my happily ever after by your judgemental attitude. You decided not to give my Jake a chance too prove himself... To show you that he will be better for me than the Edward you chose for me.

I need my Jake...

Even if you take away the fact that Edward is a vampire - focus only on his personality and courtesy... And you compare him to Jake (taking away the fact that he is a werewolf  and only focusing on his personality)... I would still need Jake more.

What would be the reason to stop loving both? Why is it so difficult in life too choose?

Why is love so unfathomable?

Why can't my Jake find me... make his imprint on me...

I might need my Jake now more than ever...

I don't want a prince. I don't want my knight in shining armor... I just need my Jake...

Sleepless nights

Again with the too much energy and the 'not-being-able-to-sleep-ness'!
I think I should get my sleeping patterns in order, this might get messy...
If I can't sleep now, I'll probably want to sleep tomorrow afternoon... and then I won't be able to sleep tomorrow night...
It is one vicious circle.

So what to do, when everybody is asleep and your mind is going crazy with 'to-do-ideas'??

Write them down?     Just so you don't forget them, but what happens in the morning?    You don't feel up to it anymore?

Not write them down?    Just so you can forget them and get new ideas?     What about the awesome ideas I have now?

Do them now?       And get killed or busted or get in loads of trouble...        Yeah, I'll go for this option...

Or not :)

So I guess this is it... Sleepless night, here we come!

The most beautiful thing

The most beautiful thing, is when a guy is on his way to his girlfriend - and he sees her waiting on a bench - and he stops for a moment, just to look at her, and unknowingly starts smiling.

The most beautiful thing, is when a guy takes out his phone to send a message to his girlfriend - and smiles the whole time while he types the message.

The most beautiful thing, is when a guy puts a picture of his girlfriend next to him, as motivation to study.

The most beautiful thing, is every time your guy looks at you, it is as if he's never seen anything so beautiful in his life.
(3 Nov 2011)

What if?

What if I don't want to live anymore?

What if I just can't find a reason for my existence?

What if I find myself as a burden?

What if I just don't want to anymore?

Where is reason in living when every second feels wrong? What is the reason for living, when there is no reason at all?

It would be easy to just open the door of the car and fall out - but what if I survive? What would be the point?

It would not be easy drowning, the fear of it, being far too great.

I am an unpleasant person and people prefer not to be in my conversations. So why would I want to add to their suffering? Why would I want to add to their sadness?

What on earth is the reason for me? Why on earth was I created?

Looking at the stars, wishing to be one of them, rather than being a walking failure. Not wanting to be here anymore. Not wanting to exist anymore.

Feeling like an impostor.

Wanting to fall asleep and never wake up again.
(3 Dec 2011)

Falling

Sometimes, you fall in "like" with a little less of a stranger.

Thinking - this is a great person and obviously creating your own expectations...

Unfortunately, sometimes, while getting to know the person, you fall out of "like".

You fall out of "like" with what you thought could have been perfect.
You fall out of "like" with what you thought you saw in the person.