A murder in December

Have you ever wished that you could just die? I do - and quite often, may I just add. Death by accidents, death by torture, death in my sleep - you name it, I've dreamt it. Then it happened...

It all ended one December.

Rose met the man of her dreams, Jake and everything just seemed to fall in place. As if her life began to go in the direction of a fairy tale. Or so she thought. See, she had a problem. Her dark shadow always lingered, biting at her heels.

Rose was an average girl - studying with ambition to become the best Jack of all trades the world has ever seen. She had aspirations and her goal was to make sure that the whole world knew her name. she wanted to be the example every teen had to follow. Every business man wanted as a partner. The woman every man desired, yet only one had her heart. Only one could tame this woman, wild at heart.

Jake was a scruffy know it all guy - with passion and dreams beyond what you can imagine. His only wish was to live in the wild. To live were people don't often stay long, where man and beast live in harmony. He owned the world, or so he thought. That was until he met her and his whole life changed. Suddenly he had something to live for. Every man has his dark past and Jake's past was a dark daunting one, yet his heart was stolen by a shy talkative girl who became his world.

When they met, neither of them had any idea how important they'll be to each other one day. They mocked and joked and got to know each other. And as all stories go, they fell in love and a beautiful story started unfolding - even between their strange circumstances. Between funerals and drama incidents they got to know each other.

He took her gift, which bound them on every level you can possibly imagine. He didn't force it the first time and the time he took the gift, they talked through the whole experience. Their two soles became one. It was beautiful and ever lasting. Passion glowed between the two and tales of ever lasting love were written between two soles. He came to know every detail on her body and she became used to the idea of a future together, a future where everything turned out exactly the way they planned it. They got to know every secret, every desire, every weakness, every dream, every fear. They told a story of love and ever lasting friendship. A story that could be written until the end of time, until both their lives ended - plus three days.

But that is a fairy tale and this story is not about some or other happy ending. This story is about a girl, who met a guy. Obviously the guy changed her life. Unfortunately her dark shadow was overpowering. This story is about that shadow devouring her sole and crusher her existence.

For Rose had a most unfortunate curse that prohibited her from experiencing ever lasting happiness. She had a sickness that no medicine could heal, she had a sickness she had hoped that love would be able to heal. Unfortunately in relationships and in love, it requires energy to cope with accidents that change plans. For Jake ended up in a hospital and suddenly all their future plans changed. Suddenly everything didn't seem so perfect anymore.

She did her best, she tried being strong for him. She tried being strong for his family. She tried being strong for those who couldn't be. She tried to be the one that could help anybody with any problem or request they had. She didn't sleep and she didn't eat. Her dreams turned into nightmares where she gets stolen away, where she was forbidden to see her true love. She chose not to show this weakness to anybody. She refused to be a let down. She refused to let herself accept that she needed help.

(Writer's blog... Until further notice, the writer will be taking a break.)

Never drive when you are angry

Have you ever experienced a mixture of emotions so strong that it feels as if your heart wants to burst out and all you think about is ending your life and making the emotions go away. Life sound so much easier if I'm not in it!

Never drive when you are angry... I did!

When you see someone making the same mistakes as you and you see that they realise it, but they just continue with it - it boils the anger like never before. You are angry at the person for not listening. Then you get angry, because you made the same mistake. Then you get angry because they're making the mistake. And then the anger loses control when they just continue with the mistake they know they're making.

So I thought of all the places I can drive to, so I could end my life. Car accidents happen every day and it's easy to leave life that way.

When you're angry and you drive, you don't think rational.

And I realised something today. When I get angry, tears stream down my face and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. So I drove faster and cranked the music up louder. I almost drove into a wall when I reached 160km/h. Then I realised what the costs should be - in case I survive the accident. Then I realised what drama I might cause if I don't.

Being me is a huge pain in the ass! I wish with all my heart that I just never existed.

Life would be so much easier if I never happened!

A reason for everything

All things happen for a reason, I guess.

We make plans and then we get all excited when the time goes by and the plans fall into place. And then a freak accident happens and it changes everything you planned. Suddenly you have to start planning again. You have to look at new options to accommodate for the bruises.

We had everything planned out. We would go to the camp together. Then you had to work and I had to organise a lift - but then you didn't have to work, I still went with my lift. On the camp you were busy helping out and I helped build the camp. Both smiling, for we knew something not many other people knew.

Then my worst nightmare happened, they told me we're going to the hospital. In the car, I saw the burn shield on your hands - emotions, like the waves of the sea, washed in my head and all I could think about was to be strong for you. How did this happen? Why did this happen? Why now?

Now that you're better and the camp is over, the shock of it all hit me like a bus hitting a pedestrian. Why in heaven's name did you do such a stupid thing? It's the most irresponsible thing I've ever seen or heard of. Don't you realise what this means for you, for us, for your work?

Anger bubbles inside of me and I can do nothing to stop it. The anger making me sick. Why would I be so angry. The results isn't that bad. The doctor is positive and you're using your hands and doing things on your own - except for bathing, but you have that blond nurse to help you with that [yes, I am jealous - just a bit].

I think what angers me the most is the fact that I can't be with you every second of every day. I hear second hand the news the doctor bears. I cant eat and I struggle to sit and do nothing. My mind going crazy about changes. I've never liked change, even though I adapt quickly.

Then again everything happens for a reason and there is a lesson to be learnt out of every situation. Let's hope we learn the lessons to be learnt and not make the same mistakes again. This is a major test to our relationship...

Butterflies

So I still have this strange feelingof nausia every time I'm a few minutes away from seeing you.

It's not necessarily a bad feeling. It's just a strange feeling.

Some might describe it as butterflies in their tummy. Others describe it as a knot. Some even say it feels like their hearts try to escape through their throughts. Others describe it as a feeling of constant explosion.

All I know is that every time I'm on my way to see the love of my life, or when the love of my life is on his way to see me, I experience this strange feeling.

When I'm away from you, I have no doubts. I know your feelings for me are strong. But when I'm away from you it seems like forever until we see each other again. When I'm with you, I'm certain of our feelings for one another

When I've been away from you for long, all I can think about is all the things I still want to tell you. I think about how wonderful it will be to have a home where you can come to after work. All I can think about is the feeling of being in your arms again. All I can think about is you.

You are my smile, my breath, my reason for existing. You gave me hope. You gave me peace. You made me experience love.

You made a promise to me. I made a promise to you. You gave me your life. I gave you my life. And now 9/11 will never mean the same to us as to the world.

From now on there can only be better to come.

We might be to young for marriage now, but in the future we'll wed. I'll be finished with my studies and we'll both be able to tie ourselves in holy matrimony. We'll be bound by words and signed documents - the future can only hold positive things, more possibilities. More freedom. More peace. More love.

I love you with every piece of my heart and I look forward to a future with you. A future with us.
(23 Nov 2012)

Circles around the moon

We were born with the talent to do anything in this life - how we grow up decides our future and what talents we use.

We both grew up differently - in different situations, with different opportunities and with different people. Yet we are the same in many aspects. So this leads to the question. What determines our destiny.

Every night there is a mystical circle around the moon - it's own shadow, it's own rainbow.

When we think, we think future. You and I.

You have enormous dream. I have enormous dreams. We have enormous dreams.

You dream of a house to call home. I dream of a place we can be happy and live in without troubles. A place, not too big and not too small. Somewhere we can both be creative. Somewhere we can both be us. We already decided that the kitchen will be your design and the bedroom will be mine. You'll handle the garage/bar area and I'll do the bathroom and the deck. We'll both work on our outside shower and we'll both do the dining area. It will be you and I. Together we'll make the world jealous.

Then we both snap back to reality and realise that we still have a few years before we can make our dreams come true.

You need to work and I need to study. You need to make money and I need to make money. But soon enough we'll have our lives together.

We'll be like the moon showing off it's rainbow to the wanderers all round. We'll be each others home. We'll be each others safety. We'll be coming home to something that belongs to us both.

It will be you and I against the world until there is no time - until forever and two more days.

Lady

I sometimes forget that I'm a lady. I forget that I'm not the one supposed to make way for a gentleman, but the gentleman should make way for me.

I sometimes forget that I'm a lady. I forget that I shouldn't sit or stand with my legs open, but keep them crossed as a proper lady should.

I sometimes forget that I'm a lady. I forget that I should be proper and behave.

I sometimes forget that I'm a lady. I forget that I shouldn't beat boys up and be cheeky.

I sometimes forget that I'm a lady and that I should allow gentleman to carry my luggage for me.

I sometimes forget that I'm a lady, but luckily I have you.

The one with the green-brown flecked eyes. The one who stole my heart and everything attached to it. The one who became my friend. Who became my life. The one I'm sharing my life with. My stories. My scandals. My past. The one I'm sharing my future with. The one I'm sharing eternity with.

Ours

I gave you what was mine to give. Not the first time and not even the second time. I gave you what was mine to give at the perfect time - the time we were both ready for it.

You gave me yours, long since broken - every piece, put together again by glue. You gave me what was yours to give.

The mind doubts and second guesses, but with you there is only certainty.

I gave you my heart and you gave me your heart.

It will be you and I against the world.

Anger and frustration

How can the whole world be right about me again?

Am I that obvious a person?

I use to think that nobody would ever be able to figure me out - it was my defence mechanism.

I always argued that I won't find love. I always argued that every person doesn't have that special somebody who will be able to stick through everything. I always argued that I won't get married. I always argued that I won't have children. It is safe to presume, I always argue - about everything.

Now that I have met you, I realise that every person in this life, has somebody who will handle everything thrown their way - my biggest fear now is doing something that will make you run. I am not an easy person to live with.

As we go through life, we get to know ourselves. I've learnt that my worst fear isn't spiders. My worst fear is going through this life, all alone. I've realised that I need somebody to be there with my every step. I've realised that I will need to get married one day.

After I realised this, I still continued to argue that I didn't want children - not the human type in any way.

I like to argue - it is what I do best. I am a cranky person - at least 3 days of every month. I am not an easy person to handle, yet you are excellent at it.

You made me realise that there is something like real love. You mad me realise that every girl does dream of her perfect wedding - in my case the perfect wedding ring. You made me realise that that there is a perfect husband for me - you. You also made me think about the pitter patter of little feet in our home one day - the human kind.

This feeling I have is strange - not in a bad way, just in an uncertain way. I've never felt it before, so I'm not quite sure what it is.

I've decided you are one of my kind. I've decided I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I've decided it's you that I want. I've decided I'm never letting you go.

Still my knight in shining armour

Every girl needs a guy that will stay, no matter what happens. I think I might have found that one person that will stay by my side - even when I go through my emotional dips.

I have found my knight in shining armor. My angel in the dark and protector in the light.

I have found the person who will be with me and love me, no matter what I throw at him.

I have these unfortunate moments I go through. I have these dips, where I get depressed without any reason. Then my mind takes a turn for the worst and think at a hundred miles an hour - should it be that slow. Unfortunately, I had another lapse when you were at your busiest and I felt a bit neglected.

Fortunately I have this amazing person in my life - they call them friends - who told me to tell you how I felt, because (she said) that sometimes you guys need to know how we feel. So I told you and you said that you realized that you were neglecting me. You said that you felt bad about it and that you would make up for it.

I don't need to go on fancy dates, or extreme places, or anything too expensive. I just need somebody to constantly talk to. Somebody who will make time to listen to what I have to say - well at least read what I have to say and reply constantly. I understand when you, or I, have to work and we don't have that much time. But the times I know you're not busy, I would love for you to talk to me.

I'm a handful and I need somebody with strong hands and a gentle nature. Who will be able to handle me at any given time, without losing patience with me.

I think I found you. I think I finally found somebody who's willing to handle me at my worst. I found somebody who loves me for me and who will stick with me through thick and thin.

I found you, or you found me, but we're in this together and together we will make this world jealous. It will be you and I against all odds, against anything the world throws in our direction. And I think it's safe to say that I do really love you, not because of everything you've done for me. I love you for loving me. I love you, because of the person you are.

Trust issues

 So once again, I'm faced with this horrid feeling!

You're making empty promises and I don't know if I want to live with empty promises...

You said you'd call, but you didn't. You made an excuse the next morning - falling asleep, it's only human. Then you made your promise again - you said you'd phone in a short while... Well it's been quite a few hours and you still haven't called me. I don't like this.

I have trust issues, because I'm too strict with myself - I was born that way.

Since I am a girl, I'm emotional - it happens. Unfortunately, that also means I over think, I get jealous, I get mean, I go overboard sometimes, I want attention and I need time. Time for a lot of things.

I need time to think. Time to do. Time to be me, myself and I. Time to be with you. I need time to make up my mind. Time to rethink what I've thought. Time to make up my mind again. I am one of the most time consuming specimens live!

When we started talking - way back when she was still in your life - we talked about empty promises. Both saying that it is the one thing we don't want.

Now I'm sitting here, wondering why I let myself fall in love again!

Why did I make this so easy? Why is it that no person is willing to fight to keep me?

Is it true when they say I'm desperate.

I wasn't looking for this relationship. I finally made peace with being single and then you stepped into my life and I fell - yet again. I fell for a promise I thought to be true. And when the people started warning me, saying that something bothered them, they just couldn't place their fingers on it - I didn't listen. I argued and said that what they're saying isn't true. I disagreed and said that you make me happy. Now I'm sitting here, pondering about why you don't call when you said you will.

The problem must lie with me!

Something must be really be wrong with me if I keep bumping my head like this.

Everything seemed so perfect with you. My world turned into a fairy tale. Everything I needed, I found in you. It seemed like everything was exactly as it was meant to be - but then again, at that time you were still with her.

Times like tonight where I wish I never continued talking to you. Times like these where I wish I didn't fall that easily.

You make everything better. And at the same time, you give me mixed emotions.

I need you to fight for me, I need you to fight for this relationship as hard as I want to fight for it, because I seriously don't see how I can trust again if you decide that this was a joyride. I seriously don't see how I will ever share myself with the world again.

I need to be you're pride and joy. I want for you to tell the world: "You see that beautiful girl, she's mine". I need to be the one you want to be with, the one you want to talk to, the one you want to share everything with. I need to be your everything. I need for you to show me that I mean the world to you, because I'm afraid if you don't show me what I really mean to you - I think I might just stop showing the world what my emotions really are.

I've felt this confused only once before in my life - and I was the one to save that relationship, well for at least  another year or so - until he found his perfect fit. Now I'm standing at the line, with the same emotion and I'm wondering if this might go in the same direction.

I know it's wrong to compare, for every person is unique in their own way. But you can't blame a girl for wanting to keep her own heart safe.

Why is it so easy to see what the male species want, but when it comes to what the female species need - males are clueless and it seems as if they just don't go through the trouble to find out. Yes, sure you get the once in a lifetime few that actually go through the trouble, but hey if you have one of them - hold on sister!

I need guidance in my decisions. I need peace in my heart. I need for everything to fall into place. I need to focus. I need to build my own future and stop worrying about the world around me.

Then again, if I don't take care of the world and the people around me, who will?

Trust issues you say? I know I have trust issues. I have trust issues, because I don't trust myself.

I don't trust me and therefore I find it difficult to fully trust you...

Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt?

"I can be selfish. I can be impatient. I'm insecure. I make mistakes. Sometimes I feel like I'm at the end of the road. I can get low and I won't know which way is up. I can get high and I'll feel like I could never come down.
Call it a curse! Or maybe just call me blessed!
If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure don't deserve me at my best. Take me or leave me. I'll never be perfect, but I'll always be me. Believe me, I'm worth it. So take me, or leave me.
Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt?
The truth is, we'll mess up until we get it right. I don't want to end up losing my soul." ~ Nicki Minaj
Marilyn Monroe spent most of her childhood in foster homes, until she became an American actress and then later a major sex symbol. She lived herself, being herself. And she lived her life fully. Until today there isn't one opinion about her that is the same everywhere you go. Every person forms their own opinion about people in life and it will be like that until the world comes to an end.

There are times I feel like running away. When I feel like running to a whole new destination. Running away from my circumstances and the people I know. Just running until I come to a place where I have to start anew. Where I have to get to know new people, new systems, new characters, new streets, new everything. Unfortunately I am one of those people who get to know people quite fast. I am one of those people who remembers the people I meet. So I know at least one person from about everywhere. Except if you talk about on the other side of the blue oceans. There I know one or two people. But I'm not keen on running away from South Africa.

Every person has their ups and their downs. I am one of those people who take the ups and the downs to the max.

One minute I can be sky-high, happier than an employee receiving their year-end bonus. The next moment, without reason or warning I'll be down in the dumps. I'll be lower than a Blue Bull after they've lost a game.

I am an extremest. I either do something exceptionally well, or I don't do it at all. And unfortunately it carried over to my emotions as well.

Sometimes the down moments can last up to a week. Other times, it is a matter of slip in emotion. A slip of controlling all I hold inside. Just a momentary lapse.

The reason why these sudden lapse last longer than the temporary slip are yet to be discovered. Though I have discovered some of the reasons for setting the lapse into motion. I have discovered some things that might lead to a sudden change in emotion.

Thus I try to avoid these obstacles. I try and fail and try yet again. But alas, I am only human and I cannot control my emotions as well as I would like to.

Amidst all the emotional roller coaster rides, you came into my life. With you it seemed like all the wrongs chose to step aside. You became my reason to keep going. You became my reason to slime. That faithful smile that lingered on my lips for months on end. Everything felt better with you. The distance never an issue. The feelings just getting better and stronger. All the things we went through in the sort time, just made my love for you grow.


Every time I look into your eyes, I feel like I could stare in them for a lifetime.

I cannot put into words what you mean to me. I cannot express my gratitude enough. The way you make me feel. The safety when I'm in your arms. The way everything comes natural with you. The way everything feels so right. I cannot put into words how easily I fell in love with you. How easily love comes with you. My feelings for you keep growing, my love for you keeps showing.

"I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it. And if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure don't deserve me at my best."

Removing myself

Once again, I'm the idiot. Once again, I'm the fool. Once again, I'm the one who gets hurt. Once again, I'm the abnormal one. Once again, I'm the naive one.

I should really just end my life. I should really just remove myself from the equation and get it over with.

Think about it

"Be the change you want to be in the world" ~ Mahatma Gandhi

I'll tell you something I don't understand. How can they hammer you, in school, about something and when you reach university it suddenly loses it's importance.

Something else I don't grasp. Why in the world would you convince people to do good academically. Then when a student comes to you to ask about their achievement, to better the results, you tell them to stop worrying about their marks. You say that it is "unnecessary" to do great. To achieve their best.

Then I ask you, what is the point of it all then?

When humans complain about the state of their country, but in the same breath say that spelling and writing is not important, I feel they have no right to complain. When you look at how easy it is to become a "know-it-all" with the power to rule a country. I ask you, what is the point of studying and getting a degree? What is the point of university, if every second baboon meets the requirements.

When you look at the facts, it really is no wonder. When you look at the standards, the evidence is clear as to why we're struggling. It is no wonder we're living in an era of smart phones and stupid people. It's no wonder we're losing our precious world.

Look around people, stop trying to be better than every body else and help the weaker become stronger. Help build the future.

Stop allowing people to change you. Stop complaining about the state of things and be the change you want to see in the world. Because only through failure, you will learn to succeed.

Be strong. Be brave. Never, ever give up.

Doubt

 And for the first time I have this strange feeling.

It's the feeling of doubt.

A feeling only felt, I believe, as result of my past and everything I've been through. Or maybe it's a feeling felt because of all the things happening around me. Or because of all the questions asked.

I've never really thought about any of these things, because to me they don't seem that important. I mean, a relationship is based on the amount of effort both parties put in. Not on who the main provider is. Or how much money the main member will make.

Then I started thinking about all these questions.

Will you be able to provide for the both of us, in case something might happen. Or will it be okay if I'm the money-maker in the relationship.

What will happen when your dreams fail you? What will you have behind your name - other than experience?

Will they ever accept you for the way you are. Or did they make a decision about who they think you are, so they're sticking to it.

When we talk, it feels like days can go by. When people ask me what intelligent things we talk about, I can't think of anything. I just remember the times we laughed together - and those times are quite often.

Why will I doubt something that makes me happy?

Why will the people around me ask so many questions and not accept my hearts decision?

I can't choose who I fall in love with. I don't choose who I like. Things like that just happen.

I can be broke and I'll still be happy with you.

Life is not about what we get out of it, it's about what we do for it. If I'm happy, let me be. Please.

If this happiness doesn't last, it'll probably be my next lesson from God - and that is just fine with me. I'd rather learn all the lessons I can - and remember all the good times - than try to be happy all the time, while miserably failing.

Doubt isn't a good feeling. It makes ones mind go crazy. It takes away ones smile. It destroys beautiful things.

I don't doubt my feelings for the one I like. I have no doubt that we will last. I have no doubt in the fact that the one I like won't hurt me.

This time, I'm choosing my hearts decision and I'm sticking to the choice i made.

Worst to worse

The worst thing, is losing a friend. Worse than that, is losing yourself. To know that you're busy grabbing the steering wheel back from God - and not having any control over it, while knowing that it's wrong.

The worst thing is when people underestimate you. Worse than that is when you underestimate yourself.

The worst thing is being negative. Worse than that is not doing anything positive to change that.

The worst thing, is not knowing who you are. Worse than that is to know who you are, but being too afraid to be yourself.

The worst thing is to be alone. Worse than that, is being around millions of people and still feeling alone.

The worst thing is when you disappoint yourself. Worse than that, is when you see the disappointment in somebody else's eyes, to hear it in somebody else's voice.

The worst thing is to recognize that you are weak as a person. Worse than that is when you give your very best - and it still isn't good enough.

The worst thing is not having the strength to do something. Worse than that, is not looking for strength in the right place. And even worse than that is when you know that you're looking for strength in the wrong place.

The worst thing is when you keep postponing matters, because you're afraid to do something. Worse than that is when you don't know what you're afraid of.

The worst thing is being sad. Worse than that is when you have to hide the pain.

The worst thing is to disagree with people. Worse than that, is having to keep quiet about your opinion.

The worst thing is when you want to be quiet. Worse than that is when, due to circumstances, you can't be quiet.

The worst thing is seeing you. Even worse than that is actually wanting to see you, wanting to talk to you, but the memories hurt too much.

The worst thing is falling in love. Even worse than that, is knowing you don't even stand a chance.

The worst thing is to know how awesome your day will be, if you just start your day right. Worse than that, is not starting your day right.

Who am I? Where do I fit in? What is my purpose? Why am I here? How do I have to live, if I want to live right? How should I deal with others? How do I unload? How do I stay positive every day? How do I stay me, without changing me?
(3 Aug 2011)

Cautiously excited

When you plan something, you kind of create your own expectations of how things are going to work. What you're going to wear. What you're going to pack. What you're going to do. All the small things.

Then plans change. When plans change, the first emotion is disappointment. Then you get frustrated at yourself for getting disappointed. Then you get frustrated for getting frustrated. And when you finally figure out what the source of your problem might be, you've already infected the people around you.

When you phoned, you gave me a fright. You spoke with tears in your eyes. Your voice breaking. The bad news having an effect on you, which affected me. I had no words. I didn't know how to make it better for you.

Then all our plans changed and changed again.

Originally we would have stayed a while, then go home and visit there. Now we're going to make a short stop - lunching with mom and telling dad that you're stealing his daughter for a while. Then we're spending time with your family. A shock I didn't see coming.

I wasn't prepared to meet your folks this soon. And I never dreamed that it would be under these unfortunate circumstances. But all this is our first real challenge.

We've been challenged before and so far we've made it through the small things. This time the challenge is way bigger, with way more sub-challenges.

So I've been through quite a few emotions and I've decided that I'm excited about our next few days together.

Cautiously excited about meeting your folks. Cautiously excited about introducing you to my folks. Cautiously excited about seeing you again.

Cautiously excited about you and me and our journey together.
(11 Sept. 2012)

Look around!

When you look around, staring at the world. How many people do you see smiling.

When you've noticed the few smiling, concentrate on their skin colour.

How sad is it not, that on average there is more coloured people smiling than there is white people. How sad is it not that, on average, white people or students have more than coloured people or students. Or am I mistaken?

How sad is it not that greed envelopes those who have enough to give away. And those who don't have, will give even the little they have - until they have no more to give.

Music on. World off.

But sometimes even the loudest music isn't loud enough to drown out the ignorance, irresponsibility, arrogance, unfriendliness and pure irritation of reality.

Sometimes being decent just isn't enough. Sometimes you don't want the world to see you.  Sometimes you just know that they won't understand.

It's a given!

Your whole life, you've been searching for somebody you can give every bit of you. Your whole life, you've been searching for somebody to adore. Somebody to treat. Somebody to care for. Somebody to pamper. Somebody who understands you for you. Who'll except you for who you are - excitement and all. Somebody to love.

My whole life, I've been looking for somebody who'll let me take care of them. Somebody who will take me for me. Somebody who'll handle me at my worst and appreciate me at my best. My whole life, I've been searching for somebody who'll go to the ends of the Earth to make sure I'm okay - even when I say I am.

In life, we go through stages. Times where you try new things. Times where you hide away. Times where things are exciting and new. Times where things go wrong. Times where you know what to do and times where you don't. Times where you trust easily and times where you don't trust at all.

Every person has a dark side. Every person has a side they hide. Then somebody special comes into ones life and you get comfortable. When maximum comfort is reached, the special somebody get to meet the person's hidden side. That is when the decision is made. Will the special somebody stick with the person - even after they've met the hidden side. The dark side.

I'm terrified that you would one day decide to pack your things, because of my dark side.

What if you come home one night, tired and exhausted because of work. What if, on that exact same time, I have a bad day - my emotions are mixed up, or I'm just grumpy and can't hide it. What if we fight and you decide to walk.

These questions ponder around in my head. And some part of me know that I'm being crazy and you won't do something like that to me, to you, to us. But still, there remains a very small part of me terrified of the slightest possibility of that happening.

Then I look into your eyes again and I see all the reassurance I need. I see that you are the one who can handle my worst days. I see you letting me take care of you. I see that even when we can't figure out exactly what's going on inside, we'll still be able to work through all the rough patches.

We'll both say what's on our mind. We'll have the power, the strength and the will of the Lord. And in His time, His plans will work as they should.