Worst to worse

The worst thing, is losing a friend. Worse than that, is losing yourself. To know that you're busy grabbing the steering wheel back from God - and not having any control over it, while knowing that it's wrong.

The worst thing is when people underestimate you. Worse than that is when you underestimate yourself.

The worst thing is being negative. Worse than that is not doing anything positive to change that.

The worst thing, is not knowing who you are. Worse than that is to know who you are, but being too afraid to be yourself.

The worst thing is to be alone. Worse than that, is being around millions of people and still feeling alone.

The worst thing is when you disappoint yourself. Worse than that, is when you see the disappointment in somebody else's eyes, to hear it in somebody else's voice.

The worst thing is to recognize that you are weak as a person. Worse than that is when you give your very best - and it still isn't good enough.

The worst thing is not having the strength to do something. Worse than that, is not looking for strength in the right place. And even worse than that is when you know that you're looking for strength in the wrong place.

The worst thing is when you keep postponing matters, because you're afraid to do something. Worse than that is when you don't know what you're afraid of.

The worst thing is being sad. Worse than that is when you have to hide the pain.

The worst thing is to disagree with people. Worse than that, is having to keep quiet about your opinion.

The worst thing is when you want to be quiet. Worse than that is when, due to circumstances, you can't be quiet.

The worst thing is seeing you. Even worse than that is actually wanting to see you, wanting to talk to you, but the memories hurt too much.

The worst thing is falling in love. Even worse than that, is knowing you don't even stand a chance.

The worst thing is to know how awesome your day will be, if you just start your day right. Worse than that, is not starting your day right.

Who am I? Where do I fit in? What is my purpose? Why am I here? How do I have to live, if I want to live right? How should I deal with others? How do I unload? How do I stay positive every day? How do I stay me, without changing me?
(3 Aug 2011)

Cautiously excited

When you plan something, you kind of create your own expectations of how things are going to work. What you're going to wear. What you're going to pack. What you're going to do. All the small things.

Then plans change. When plans change, the first emotion is disappointment. Then you get frustrated at yourself for getting disappointed. Then you get frustrated for getting frustrated. And when you finally figure out what the source of your problem might be, you've already infected the people around you.

When you phoned, you gave me a fright. You spoke with tears in your eyes. Your voice breaking. The bad news having an effect on you, which affected me. I had no words. I didn't know how to make it better for you.

Then all our plans changed and changed again.

Originally we would have stayed a while, then go home and visit there. Now we're going to make a short stop - lunching with mom and telling dad that you're stealing his daughter for a while. Then we're spending time with your family. A shock I didn't see coming.

I wasn't prepared to meet your folks this soon. And I never dreamed that it would be under these unfortunate circumstances. But all this is our first real challenge.

We've been challenged before and so far we've made it through the small things. This time the challenge is way bigger, with way more sub-challenges.

So I've been through quite a few emotions and I've decided that I'm excited about our next few days together.

Cautiously excited about meeting your folks. Cautiously excited about introducing you to my folks. Cautiously excited about seeing you again.

Cautiously excited about you and me and our journey together.
(11 Sept. 2012)

Look around!

When you look around, staring at the world. How many people do you see smiling.

When you've noticed the few smiling, concentrate on their skin colour.

How sad is it not, that on average there is more coloured people smiling than there is white people. How sad is it not that, on average, white people or students have more than coloured people or students. Or am I mistaken?

How sad is it not that greed envelopes those who have enough to give away. And those who don't have, will give even the little they have - until they have no more to give.

Music on. World off.

But sometimes even the loudest music isn't loud enough to drown out the ignorance, irresponsibility, arrogance, unfriendliness and pure irritation of reality.

Sometimes being decent just isn't enough. Sometimes you don't want the world to see you.  Sometimes you just know that they won't understand.

It's a given!

Your whole life, you've been searching for somebody you can give every bit of you. Your whole life, you've been searching for somebody to adore. Somebody to treat. Somebody to care for. Somebody to pamper. Somebody who understands you for you. Who'll except you for who you are - excitement and all. Somebody to love.

My whole life, I've been looking for somebody who'll let me take care of them. Somebody who will take me for me. Somebody who'll handle me at my worst and appreciate me at my best. My whole life, I've been searching for somebody who'll go to the ends of the Earth to make sure I'm okay - even when I say I am.

In life, we go through stages. Times where you try new things. Times where you hide away. Times where things are exciting and new. Times where things go wrong. Times where you know what to do and times where you don't. Times where you trust easily and times where you don't trust at all.

Every person has a dark side. Every person has a side they hide. Then somebody special comes into ones life and you get comfortable. When maximum comfort is reached, the special somebody get to meet the person's hidden side. That is when the decision is made. Will the special somebody stick with the person - even after they've met the hidden side. The dark side.

I'm terrified that you would one day decide to pack your things, because of my dark side.

What if you come home one night, tired and exhausted because of work. What if, on that exact same time, I have a bad day - my emotions are mixed up, or I'm just grumpy and can't hide it. What if we fight and you decide to walk.

These questions ponder around in my head. And some part of me know that I'm being crazy and you won't do something like that to me, to you, to us. But still, there remains a very small part of me terrified of the slightest possibility of that happening.

Then I look into your eyes again and I see all the reassurance I need. I see that you are the one who can handle my worst days. I see you letting me take care of you. I see that even when we can't figure out exactly what's going on inside, we'll still be able to work through all the rough patches.

We'll both say what's on our mind. We'll have the power, the strength and the will of the Lord. And in His time, His plans will work as they should.

Stolen kiss

 From that moment you stole that kiss...

In my days, I always make a guy wait at least a month before they could even think about kissing me - I needed to make sure they were the real deal and not just a one time thing. I had to be sure that they would stick around, even the times I forbade physical touch in our relationship.

I had to make sure they liked me for me and not for my body or my kiss.

The one time I let my guard down. That one time proved to be my biggest lesson yet. A lesson I shall not forget. A lesson I don't want to learn again.

With you, it was different. We talked for months, before I got the chance to see you again. With you, I had time to fall in love - over and over and over again.

And just as I started thinking that my mind was creating it's own reality, you would do something to reassure me that you were real. Just as I was sure that I started living in my minds own reality, you showed up and made my dreams come true.

Then you stole a kiss. You stole one kiss and made sure my heart skipped a beat when you stole a second kiss.

Now that I can call you mine, and you can call me yours, we can build this relationship on a Rock-foundation. Our Rock would be our Father that art in heaven - for His love knows no boundaries and with Him in our lives, we can be sure to be safely wrapped in His arms.

 I didn't say yes the first time you asked me to be yours, in your arms while we both stole a glance at our star. I wanted to wait and tell my dad - tell my dad that it's all real and not something my mind created.

But just before you asked me a second time, the second time also being just as our star made it's appearance. Just before the second time you asked me, you stole a kiss. And by stealing that kiss, I was already yours to hold.

From that moment you kissed me, there was no turning back. No second guessing. No running away.

From that moment your lips touched mine, you took my breath away. You sealed our future. You claimed me to be yours to see what the future holds. Together we will face life's little ups and downs.

Together, you and I.

I need you

Have you ever just felt like crying. For no imaginable reason.

You can't decide if it's tears of joy, tears of longing, tears regret or tears of complete sadness.

Have you ever felt this sensation of an emotional roller-coaster. Unable to understand or control the effect.

The feeling of wanting to be solitaire, but afraid of being alone.

It's times like these when you realize that you haven't heard that special somebodies voice in quite a while. When you realize that you've been dreaming the dreams of eternity. Those terrifyingly beautiful dreams that occupy your days, your memories, your life.

I wake up every morning wanting to kiss you. I wake up hoping to find your arms around me. I wake up wishing you were here. I wake up realizing that my reality is so much better than any dream I'll ever have. I wake up knowing that you won't just walk away.

I have this strange heartbeat, one I'm not familiar with. A heartbeat that make me wonder. A heartbeat that keeps me awake some nights. A heartbeat that I cherish. A heartbeat that beats for you.

I have this terrifying feeling that I never want to think about, but thinking about it is inevitable. I have a fear of losing you. I have a fear of never seeing you again. I have a fear that this is all just a dream and that I'm imagining everything. I have a fear that I'll wake up one day and realize that I made everything up.

I need to see you again. I need to hear your voice. I need to feel your hands in mine. I need your arms around me. I need to know that this is real life. I need to know that you really feel about me the way you say you feel.

I need to kiss your lips. Wrap my fingers in yours. Feel your arms around my body. Hear your voice. Listen to your heartbeat. Smell your cologne. And make this real. In short, I need you.

You and I

Every girl always searches for that Knight in Shining Armour, but it seems the more we search the less we find them.

We stumble and we fall, yet we get back up again. We get bruised and we get healed. We get hurt and we get stronger. We learn not too trust, yet we let ourselves trust again. We get confused and we get the facts. We learn to love and wish to be loved in return.


This time, I promised myself I wouldn't fall again, at least until I finish the most important thing in my life - my studies. Then I met you and my world paused for a very brief second. At least that was what it felt like. I saw you and I realized that I stopped in the middle of my sentence.

The first thing I said to myself, was "NO!". Not now, not yet. "Forget it", I thought, "why in the world would he even look in your direction?". But alas, I couldn't stop my heart thinking about him the whole day, every day. And as things went, we became friends and realized that we share more than a few mutual interests - animals being the greatest interest we share.

I still remember the exact moment I completely fell in love with him. I fell in love with his personality. I also remember the exact moment I fell in love with his soul.

I fell in love with his personality that night we talked and he shared his worst experience with me. I fell in love with his soul that night I looked into his eyes, the dust dancing around us, the light illuminating all he is hiding. Those colourful, shop-soiled, beautiful brown eyes staring into mine. I couldn't help getting lost in their story. I couldn't help staring into them and completely losing control of reality.

Now, a few months later, I wish nothing more than to be able to give you my whole heart. I wish too see you and to be with you. I wish too stare into those eyes again. I wish to live life with you. I hold your hand. I wish too kiss you. I wish to have a future with you.

You asked me what I see nine years from now, I chose not to answer. I'd rather hold your face in my hands, stare into those beautiful eyes of yours, and tell you personally that I see us. I see you and I see me. I see a future where we figure it out together and live in the days that go by. I see you and I see me, nothing will tear us apart.

Unwanted dream

Have you ever had that dream you've wanted to have some time ago, but when you eventually had it you didn't want it any more and now you're mind boggled about why in the world you would have the dream at such an inconvenient time.

That happened to me...

I had a crush on this guy for quite a while, only a crush because so many thing about him annoyed me - yet I liked him for some strange reason, maybe it was because I could have him that I liked him. I just liked the idea of liking somebody who says they like me (electronically - in real life it was like he didn't even see me) and that I can like without any attachment.

At stages I didn't like him any more, because I realised that he was immature and childish. At other stages I'd miss him and just enjoy talking to him. Other times I forgot that he even existed, until I see a photo of him and realise how damn cute he really is - oh and that body.

Then I met the most wonderful guy and I lost interest in every guy I've ever had a crush on. They just seemed not good enough. It's like my eyes went open and I realised that all the crushes I've ever had, thrown together and stirred, make up the wonderful-stunning-eyed-guy I met.

Now I can't imagine a life without him.

And then, bamm! Last night I had that dream I wanted to have a year ago. The dream freaked me out and frightened me at the same time.

I dreamed that the x-crush finally kissed me for the first time ever and it felt good. The twist comes in that I thought of my wonderful-stunning-eyed-boy while I was kissing the x-crush. The dream continued where, after kissing me, we went into the house. He and his girl, hand in hand, me and my friend then went somewhere together and he (x-crush) acted as if nothing ever happened.

So I realised something, that was exactly what our "relationship" was like and how it would have been if we actually kissed while flirting. X-crush always said how he liked me and thought I was cute, electronically. When it came to real life, in front of everybody else, it was like I never existed and I was just some fantasy of his to keep him busy when he was bored.

I didn't like how real the dream felt and woke up in a state of confusion. Luckily I have a good friend who said that I shouldn't think too much about it. "Don't be a typical woman and over-analyse this dream, it's not worth it." I tend to agree.

I met the most wonderful guy and one day I hope to call him mine. No more dreams about anybody else but him and us and the future.

It will always be him, me and our combined love for the things we share in life.

For arguments sake

You know that feeling you get... The one where you start wondering if you'd be strong enough to resist the first kiss when it comes too early. That feeling where you wonder if you'd be strong enough to resist kissing him the very first time you see him again. You know that feeling, right?

Well I've got that feeling!

The feeling I feel, is the one constantly arguing with me. So I guess this is the point where I give a little background.

So, I have this rule. I don't kiss a guy I'm serious about before we go out. And I have a second rule, when I really like the guy and I dream and think about a future together, I don't kiss him within the first month we go out. And now, here comes the argument.

I really like this amazing guy, but I haven't seen him in quite a while. I've dreamt about a future together and we've talked about a future together. Yet we are still officially still friends (who really like each other, if you catch my drift).

Now my question comes in. Will I be able to resist a kiss, when he stares into my eyes with those perfect eyes of his? Will I be able to take it slow when I see him and make sure that this relationship last until the end of time.

Or, do I just accept everything as it is and how it goes...

I know everything will happen exactly as His plans are laid out for me. I just wish I thought about it less and just go with it more.


But the truth will always be, that I like him. And it will take the end of eternity to change that. ♥

If we ever meet again

What will happen the day I see you again? How will I react? How will you react? What is it going to be like seeing you for the first time in months?

What if it's different when I see you again? What if I'm not what you remembered me to be like? What if you're not all I remember you to be?

What if my worst dream came true? What if you don't fall in love with me as person? What if you despise my way of being? What if we get irritated with each other?

These questions haunt me every day. Everything feels too unreal. It feels like a horrid real-life dream and I feel like I'm going to wake up any moment, just to realise that my mind made up the whole story.

It bothers me that I don't have any physical proof of our feelings for each other. It bothers me that I haven't seen you in months. It bothers me that I've fallen for you and I have yet been able to say it to your face. It bothers me that I feel like I love you and we haven't spent any number of minutes yet together since the day we last parted.

I'm horridly scared of losing you. I'm terrified of having to think about what my life would be like without you a part of it. I get sick at the thought of a future without you.

I need to see you again. I need for these feelings to feel real. I need to feel what it feels like to be in your arms. I need to see your eyes again. I need to feel your fingers wrapped in mine. I need to be next to you again. I need to hear you laugh, see you smile, hear you talk. I need you and I need you now.

I'm trapped in this vortex of thought, wondering, fearing, hoping, wishing, dreaming, thinking.

Is this all too real to be true, or can a simple person like me live in a fairytale like this as a real life fantasy?

Will this be my forever after, or my next hard life lesson?