Not supposed to be here

Have you ever wondered why you were placed on this earth?

Have you ever wondered why you were made the way you were?

Have you ever wondered if everything is really as it seems, or is everything we see and do just another thing invented by man?

Have you ever wondered if the Bigger Thing really is what humans make it to be?

Have you ever wondered if maybe we're missing the point?

I've wondered about all of the above and once again I'm wondering about the reason I'm alive. Once again I'm wondering about the reason for my existence. Once again I'm wondering about the reason for the way I am. Once again I'm wishing that I wasn't where I am. Once again I'm wishing to just not be.

Everywhere I go, I hurt people by accident. Everywhere I go, I do things I don't remember. Everywhere I go, I cause trouble and pain. Everywhere I go, I make friends and then hurt them just by being me. Everywhere I go, I wish that I never existed. Everywhere I go, I disappoint people. Everywhere I go, I loose people close to me.

Why was I created with a personality that chases away people? Why was I created without the ability to control my emotions?

Was I created to destroy or did the years of pain cause me to become a destroyer? Did the creator mean to make me a person who hurts others, who says hurtful things without meaning to and then not to remember? Did the creator mean to make me forget the things I do and say? Was I meant to be this ugly person?

Was I meant to be somebody who wonders about everything? Was I meant to be somebody who asks all the questions? Was I meant to be somebody who irritates the people around me? Was I meant to be somebody who struggles with everything? Was I meant to be somebody who never gives up? Was I meant to be somebody who takes all the punches, because I don't want others to get hurt? Was I meant to be this doubting person? Was I meant to be this person who doesn't trust the world, but trusts easy enough to get hurt?

For if I wasn't made to be who I am now? What was I made to be? Who am I meant to be? What am I supposed to do?

Just a dream

Have you ever wondered if a dream is just a dream? Or do you believe a dream has more meaning to it than just being a dream?

I often convince myself that a dream is just a dream, but most of the times my brain fights back and convince me that there should be more to the dream than it just being a dream. For why would your mind conceive such reality if it did not have any meaning?

Then I start thinking about the dream and I start to wonder exactly why my mind would torture me with dreams and visions like these.

Why would my mind let me dream about a person who I liked, but never liked me back. And then started
liking me as soon as I was happy in my relationship. Why would my mind let me dream of something I've thought about doing when I was single, when it would have worked, while I'm happily in a relationship?

Why would my mind confuse me and make me wonder about my feelings and motives? Why would my mind make me want to give in, to end this torture, to stop dreaming, to stop living.

Why would my mind torture me when all I need is sleep and rest.

Let me be, let me sleep without shouting in the middle of the night without any reason. Let me sleep, without dreams that haunt me throughout the day.

Let me sleep dear mind, let me sleep!

Pixie fate

Why is it that the free-spirited pixie has no wings and the irresponsible pixie, the immature pixie and the unstable pixie get beautiful rainbow-coloured wings and they are motivated to learn how to fly and leave the tree bark and find their own mushrooms to start their own lives.

Free-spirited Gazelle just want to start with her life and live it the way she would like and do the things she wants to do, the way she would like to do them.


She want's to take the burden off her fairy-parent's shoulders and give them less to worry about. She want's them to focus more on her younger siblings and no about her. She is turning 222 and it's time for her to leave the bark and start small with her own mushroom with her own toad coins.

She wants to explore Pixie Land, the World, the Universe. She wants to see everything and experience all Seasons. She wants to meet new people and get tired of the new people so she can travel further and meet new people. She wants to WOW every fairy, pixie, dragon, troll and toad she meets. she wants to give in to her fears ad learn how to defeat them.


And most of all she wants to start the adventure with Valiant. To share dreams and create new dreams. To fall in love and fall in love all over again. To learn new things. To experience the good, the bad and the ugly. To make petals and house creatures of the night and beasts of the day. To make friends with all pixie kings and queens, all trolls, dragons, goblins and gnomes.

So give Gazelle her wings, let her roam free. Let her be she and live her dreams. Let her take the burden off your caring shoulders and let her live her fantasies.

Emotion roller-coaster!

Have you ever wished for an off-switch for your mind? Ever just wished that your mind could stop thinking - even if it was just for a second, a minute, or maybe a whole day? Or maybe just be quiet when you ask it to be quiet. Unfortunately, I have a mind with a personality of it's own - so the chances of that happening is slim to zero.

My mind wanders constantly. I'd start thinking about one thing and before I get to the conclusion of that
which I was thinking, I start thinking about something else. It's the same when I talk to someone.

I want to start my life, live my dreams, do the things I want to do - my way!

Now I'm stuck in the mud. I need to finish what I started three years ago. I need to get something behind my name before I could start my life. Before we could start a life. But you decided to do something adventurous this year and leave me for the dogs.

You're enjoying your life and I'm suffering through the last bit of something I can't just leave. You really chose a horrible year to run away from the things that irritate you. You could have just waited one more year, then we could have done the adventure together. we could have made double the money. We could have started us. Now I'm on this side of the world thinking about how easy you had your life without me and I'm wondering if i'm not spoiling your life for you. I'm wondering if I should just let you be, if I should just set you free to do the things as you've done them before.

Then I remember who you were before we met. You gave your life to alcohol and late nights. You didn't care about life. How I missed that I don't know, but that is typical me - I always see the good in people, until they disappoint me and then I wish I never existed.

How much easier would life be if I could silence my mind. If I could stop the blabbering. If I was on my own with my own money. If I didn't have to rely on anybody else. If I didn't have to worry about making anybody proud. How much better would life have been without me in it?

A murder in December

Have you ever wished that you could just die? I do - and quite often, may I just add. Death by accidents, death by torture, death in my sleep - you name it, I've dreamt it. Then it happened...

It all ended one December.

Rose met the man of her dreams, Jake and everything just seemed to fall in place. As if her life began to go in the direction of a fairy tale. Or so she thought. See, she had a problem. Her dark shadow always lingered, biting at her heels.

Rose was an average girl - studying with ambition to become the best Jack of all trades the world has ever seen. She had aspirations and her goal was to make sure that the whole world knew her name. she wanted to be the example every teen had to follow. Every business man wanted as a partner. The woman every man desired, yet only one had her heart. Only one could tame this woman, wild at heart.

Jake was a scruffy know it all guy - with passion and dreams beyond what you can imagine. His only wish was to live in the wild. To live were people don't often stay long, where man and beast live in harmony. He owned the world, or so he thought. That was until he met her and his whole life changed. Suddenly he had something to live for. Every man has his dark past and Jake's past was a dark daunting one, yet his heart was stolen by a shy talkative girl who became his world.

When they met, neither of them had any idea how important they'll be to each other one day. They mocked and joked and got to know each other. And as all stories go, they fell in love and a beautiful story started unfolding - even between their strange circumstances. Between funerals and drama incidents they got to know each other.

He took her gift, which bound them on every level you can possibly imagine. He didn't force it the first time and the time he took the gift, they talked through the whole experience. Their two soles became one. It was beautiful and ever lasting. Passion glowed between the two and tales of ever lasting love were written between two soles. He came to know every detail on her body and she became used to the idea of a future together, a future where everything turned out exactly the way they planned it. They got to know every secret, every desire, every weakness, every dream, every fear. They told a story of love and ever lasting friendship. A story that could be written until the end of time, until both their lives ended - plus three days.

But that is a fairy tale and this story is not about some or other happy ending. This story is about a girl, who met a guy. Obviously the guy changed her life. Unfortunately her dark shadow was overpowering. This story is about that shadow devouring her sole and crusher her existence.

For Rose had a most unfortunate curse that prohibited her from experiencing ever lasting happiness. She had a sickness that no medicine could heal, she had a sickness she had hoped that love would be able to heal. Unfortunately in relationships and in love, it requires energy to cope with accidents that change plans. For Jake ended up in a hospital and suddenly all their future plans changed. Suddenly everything didn't seem so perfect anymore.

She did her best, she tried being strong for him. She tried being strong for his family. She tried being strong for those who couldn't be. She tried to be the one that could help anybody with any problem or request they had. She didn't sleep and she didn't eat. Her dreams turned into nightmares where she gets stolen away, where she was forbidden to see her true love. She chose not to show this weakness to anybody. She refused to be a let down. She refused to let herself accept that she needed help.

(Writer's blog... Until further notice, the writer will be taking a break.)

Never drive when you are angry

Have you ever experienced a mixture of emotions so strong that it feels as if your heart wants to burst out and all you think about is ending your life and making the emotions go away. Life sound so much easier if I'm not in it!

Never drive when you are angry... I did!

When you see someone making the same mistakes as you and you see that they realise it, but they just continue with it - it boils the anger like never before. You are angry at the person for not listening. Then you get angry, because you made the same mistake. Then you get angry because they're making the mistake. And then the anger loses control when they just continue with the mistake they know they're making.

So I thought of all the places I can drive to, so I could end my life. Car accidents happen every day and it's easy to leave life that way.

When you're angry and you drive, you don't think rational.

And I realised something today. When I get angry, tears stream down my face and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. So I drove faster and cranked the music up louder. I almost drove into a wall when I reached 160km/h. Then I realised what the costs should be - in case I survive the accident. Then I realised what drama I might cause if I don't.

Being me is a huge pain in the ass! I wish with all my heart that I just never existed.

Life would be so much easier if I never happened!

A reason for everything

All things happen for a reason, I guess.

We make plans and then we get all excited when the time goes by and the plans fall into place. And then a freak accident happens and it changes everything you planned. Suddenly you have to start planning again. You have to look at new options to accommodate for the bruises.

We had everything planned out. We would go to the camp together. Then you had to work and I had to organise a lift - but then you didn't have to work, I still went with my lift. On the camp you were busy helping out and I helped build the camp. Both smiling, for we knew something not many other people knew.

Then my worst nightmare happened, they told me we're going to the hospital. In the car, I saw the burn shield on your hands - emotions, like the waves of the sea, washed in my head and all I could think about was to be strong for you. How did this happen? Why did this happen? Why now?

Now that you're better and the camp is over, the shock of it all hit me like a bus hitting a pedestrian. Why in heaven's name did you do such a stupid thing? It's the most irresponsible thing I've ever seen or heard of. Don't you realise what this means for you, for us, for your work?

Anger bubbles inside of me and I can do nothing to stop it. The anger making me sick. Why would I be so angry. The results isn't that bad. The doctor is positive and you're using your hands and doing things on your own - except for bathing, but you have that blond nurse to help you with that [yes, I am jealous - just a bit].

I think what angers me the most is the fact that I can't be with you every second of every day. I hear second hand the news the doctor bears. I cant eat and I struggle to sit and do nothing. My mind going crazy about changes. I've never liked change, even though I adapt quickly.

Then again everything happens for a reason and there is a lesson to be learnt out of every situation. Let's hope we learn the lessons to be learnt and not make the same mistakes again. This is a major test to our relationship...

Butterflies

So I still have this strange feelingof nausia every time I'm a few minutes away from seeing you.

It's not necessarily a bad feeling. It's just a strange feeling.

Some might describe it as butterflies in their tummy. Others describe it as a knot. Some even say it feels like their hearts try to escape through their throughts. Others describe it as a feeling of constant explosion.

All I know is that every time I'm on my way to see the love of my life, or when the love of my life is on his way to see me, I experience this strange feeling.

When I'm away from you, I have no doubts. I know your feelings for me are strong. But when I'm away from you it seems like forever until we see each other again. When I'm with you, I'm certain of our feelings for one another

When I've been away from you for long, all I can think about is all the things I still want to tell you. I think about how wonderful it will be to have a home where you can come to after work. All I can think about is the feeling of being in your arms again. All I can think about is you.

You are my smile, my breath, my reason for existing. You gave me hope. You gave me peace. You made me experience love.

You made a promise to me. I made a promise to you. You gave me your life. I gave you my life. And now 9/11 will never mean the same to us as to the world.

From now on there can only be better to come.

We might be to young for marriage now, but in the future we'll wed. I'll be finished with my studies and we'll both be able to tie ourselves in holy matrimony. We'll be bound by words and signed documents - the future can only hold positive things, more possibilities. More freedom. More peace. More love.

I love you with every piece of my heart and I look forward to a future with you. A future with us.
(23 Nov 2012)

Circles around the moon

We were born with the talent to do anything in this life - how we grow up decides our future and what talents we use.

We both grew up differently - in different situations, with different opportunities and with different people. Yet we are the same in many aspects. So this leads to the question. What determines our destiny.

Every night there is a mystical circle around the moon - it's own shadow, it's own rainbow.

When we think, we think future. You and I.

You have enormous dream. I have enormous dreams. We have enormous dreams.

You dream of a house to call home. I dream of a place we can be happy and live in without troubles. A place, not too big and not too small. Somewhere we can both be creative. Somewhere we can both be us. We already decided that the kitchen will be your design and the bedroom will be mine. You'll handle the garage/bar area and I'll do the bathroom and the deck. We'll both work on our outside shower and we'll both do the dining area. It will be you and I. Together we'll make the world jealous.

Then we both snap back to reality and realise that we still have a few years before we can make our dreams come true.

You need to work and I need to study. You need to make money and I need to make money. But soon enough we'll have our lives together.

We'll be like the moon showing off it's rainbow to the wanderers all round. We'll be each others home. We'll be each others safety. We'll be coming home to something that belongs to us both.

It will be you and I against the world until there is no time - until forever and two more days.

Lady

I sometimes forget that I'm a lady. I forget that I'm not the one supposed to make way for a gentleman, but the gentleman should make way for me.

I sometimes forget that I'm a lady. I forget that I shouldn't sit or stand with my legs open, but keep them crossed as a proper lady should.

I sometimes forget that I'm a lady. I forget that I should be proper and behave.

I sometimes forget that I'm a lady. I forget that I shouldn't beat boys up and be cheeky.

I sometimes forget that I'm a lady and that I should allow gentleman to carry my luggage for me.

I sometimes forget that I'm a lady, but luckily I have you.

The one with the green-brown flecked eyes. The one who stole my heart and everything attached to it. The one who became my friend. Who became my life. The one I'm sharing my life with. My stories. My scandals. My past. The one I'm sharing my future with. The one I'm sharing eternity with.