Racehorse Heartbeat

Have you ever felt the uncomfortable feeling of a heartbeat, beating faster than a race horse running for the finish line.

Have you ever felt the shortness of breath, like a fish thrown out of the water unable to stay alive.

Have you ever felt the rush of adrenaline, like a sudden gust of wind blown from behind.

Have you ever felt the loneliness of complete darkness.

Have you ever felt the happiness of that first autumn leaf falling down from the tree. That first spring flower growing from underneath the snow.

Have you ever felt the contentedness of seeing the face of the man in your dreams, knowing he'll always be there - even when the distance is great.

Have you ever felt the flutter of butterflies, when you see a message from him.

Have you ever felt the warmness of the smile when you think about him.

Have you ever felt the rush of adrenaline, like a sudden gust of wind, when you hear his voice.

Have you ever felt the shortness of breath, when he surprises you with a kiss.

Have you ever felt the racehorse heartbeat when he holds your hand.

How?

How can talking to you make me so happy?

How can talking to you give me so much energy?

How can you be the only person who dwells in my mind permanently?

How can you not see what I feel for you?

How can this be?

How can I understand this?

Do I admit to it in the open? Do I keep it my secret? Do I talk about you? Or do I only talk to you?

Do I keep you my secret? Or do I tell the world how beautiful you are?

Should I?

And I think that I might still - or yet again, like you. Or is it only because of the fact that you are far and it gives me an excuse not to worry about the guys I like - who have absolutely no interest in me - that are close?

Why do you keep dwelling in my mind? Why do I keep thinking about your name? Why do I keep thinking about the time we had together?

Did the time we spent together really not mean anything to you? did you really not feel what I felt? Did you really just forget about the dreams we shared. The conversations we had?

Why can't you just tell me in a simple "yes" or "no" if I should fight for a possibility or if I'll be wasting my time?

Can't you just talk to me and say that you've been thinking about me too?

Can't you just tell me what is going on and what you have decided?

Can't you just tell me what everything meant?

Can't you just hurt my feelings and tell me exactly what you feel?

Because the uncertainty of it all confuses me and hurts even more, because I just can't decide what to do about this!

Should I phone you and find out if you're okay? Should I sms you and make sure you're not hurting? Should I just follow the example in Taylor Swift's song: You belong to me. Or should I just forget about you and everything about you?

Should I just forget about the night we spent together talking the hours away. Should I just forget about the fact that you have one of my favourite rings? Should I just forget that you are wearing my hat every day? Should I stop thinking about weather or not you think about me while wearing my hat?

I'm confused and it keeps hurting! Please give me a sign and make it stop!

I'll show you

I constantly go through a dip in life. Some times more than other times, but I would like to think that it's getting better and that I'm having less dips!

Tonight I heard the words: "I'm going to show you how great I am". The video clip was about a boxer getting beaten badly. BUT he just kept on getting up. He didn't give up. At the end, he gave one final punch and the other guy was lights out.

I'm going to show you just how great I am! I'm going to show the world, just how great I can be! I have God on my side! I have the power in Him to accomplish anything!

I have new motivation! I am positive again! I feel like I can take on the world again, with Him on my side!

I've got this and I'm going to show you how great I am!

I'm wrong, most of the time

When I met you, I decided not to care about the butterflies I felt.

When I got to know you, I had to fight the butterflies.

When I realised that I fell for you, I had to hide the butterflies.

When I saw you were with somebody else, I decided to completely ignore the butterflies.

Now that a few weeks, maybe even a month went by, I realised something! I fell for an user!

You used me, because she wouldn't be there for you. You used me, because you missed her. You used me, because you needed somebody too take your head off the pain. You used me and got to know me, because you needed a female friend to explain the head of an unknown woman.

You use me and you abuse me. You hurt me and you cause me pain, and you don't see it. You don't realise it. You don't care.

It's because of you that I never want too look at another man ever again. It's because of you that I never want to like any man ever again. It is because of you that I'll have my feet planted on the ground for the rest of my life.

It's because of you that I haven't written anything in a while. And it is because of you that I will be writing a few more.

It's because of you that I don't believe in love at first sight. It's because of you that I will always question a man's reason too be friendly.

It is all because you didn't care enough too see how much you hurt her by talking to me. And because you didn't care enough to realise that you were hurting me by talking to me...

It is all only because of you!

Thoughts, dream, memories

While driving in the Lesotho mountains, you wondered endlessly through my mind. Conceiving all my thoughts.

I thought about our short time together, I thought about the endless possibilities our lives could have together. Then I remember her stunning face and I realise that everything is in my mind. And all shall stay in my mind!

I think about your personality. I think about your smile. I think about your charm. I think about your strength. I think about your passion for animals. I think about your eyes. I think about kissing you. I think about you, all day and every day.

I dream about the possibility of us. I dream about our lives together. I dream about our adventures. I dream about our love and care. I dream about you kissing me in the rain. I dream about our future. I dream about our lives together.

I dream about how we would get married. I dream about our honeymoon and how perfect everything could be. I dream about a future where you and I are together forever.

I remember all my long lost dreams. About the fantasies without faces.

I remember the laughs we had together. I remember our short time together, getting to know one another and I wonder what could have been.

I wonder about your thoughts. I wonder about your dreams. I wonder about your life. I wonder about your days. And I wonder if you even think of me.

I wonder if you think about the time we had. I wonder if you think about my dreams. I wonder if you think about my thoughts. I wonder if you think about what could be. I wonder if you only think of a future with her.

Have you forgotten our time spent together. Have you forgotten me the moment you saw her again. Have you seen her again. Did you use me as a reminder of what she means to you. Did you use me to remind you of how much you miss her. Did you use me to take away the pain.

Was the feelings I felt, only my imagination? Was it my mind playing tricks on me? Or did you feel the things I felt when we spent time together?

30 April 2012

Standing back

In one day, we easily go through more than enough emotions too make anybody sea-sick!

In less than a month I've thought and rethought about quite a few things!

I've thought about you and what I've said a few times in my life - I don't think anybody would survive if they had to be in my mind when I start too think. Yes I have said that I like a few people more than once... and some I've even liked, lost the connection and picked it up again. Other I've liked and thought that it might mean forever. And other I've just lost interest in.

When I met you, I fought the feelings. How can I like somebody so strong when I know nothing of them? Then we started talking and I got to know you. I got to know a person, who likes allot of thing I like. Who can manage me and make me laugh, but also make me calm.

I met somebody who liked me for who I am, for the crazy and outspoken person I always am. I got to know somebody who laughs at my mistakes and builds my good characteristics. I got to know a person who looks rough on the outside, but has the softest heart on the inside.

I had the privilege to be myself around a fun, but responsible person. Who, for some reason stayed around and got to know me.

I have said the words: "I like you" quite a few times, to a few different people. The words: "I love you", I haven't used that much (accept if you count them, when you say it too friends and family).

Sometimes, I've told somebody that I like them, and I start thinking that I won't have eyes for anybody else... until I go away from them and see somebody else and I think I like them more. And sometimes that feeling disappears as soon as I tell somebody.

When I met you, I fought the feelings. I lost. I started liking you. I started thinking that there might be a slight, small possibility that you might like me back. According too the onlookers, it sure looked that way.

Unfortunately we both went our separate directions and I got to know that you were already in a relationship. Unfortunately for me, I now have no more interest in anybody else. I don't have eyes for the guys I thought I liked before.

I now walk around with the thought of you, every single day.

I walk around thinking of our time together and how fast we had the connection.

And I think of how lucky she is too have you. And I back away and try my best too hide my feelings for as long and as well as I can.

I won't for any reason break up what you have now, what would that make me?

I will stand back and wish you two all the best and all the happiness and I somehow know that someday, in some way that type of happiness might just find me.

Enough is enough!

I don't want to think any more! My mind is going crazy trying to figure out what to do.

How do I explain what I think I feel? How do I put into words what I am experiencing right now.

I found that person, the one who meets the requirements. I found that person who seems to fit into my puzzle. Who can keep up with me.

I found that person with the same goals as me. The same dreams and future plans. I found that person with the same love for wildlife.

I also found out that the person I found is unavailable.

They say we all want what we can't have!

Does that mean that the feeling I have is only this strong because I can't have the person? Or is this feeling truly this strong?

How can this feeling still be when the distance is so great?

How do I know if everything that happened in 6 days was real and not just some sick joke my mind played on me?

How do I rest if I don't know?

How will I ever know?

What does that make me?

For once, I don't want to step down.

For once, I wish it was my turn.

For once, I wish that everything was real.

For once. I wish that it wasn't just my imagination.

Getting to know somebody, automatically builds a relationship. It automatically builds something you get attached to. And when it's not there, you miss it.

Getting to know you was like that. I got attached to seeing you - more than once a day. I looked for every excuse possible, just so I can see you. Or make a joke with you. Or even - on my lucky day, get a few hugs from you.

I got addicted to a certain kind of sadness. The kind of sadness you get from trusting somebody and getting shoved to the one side at the end of the show.

I got to know you, I told myself I wouldn't fall for you - I fought against the feeling with everything I had too give.

I guess, after all these years I still don't know myself.

I think I fell for you the moment you took time just to get to know me.

You took something dear to me, you kept it around your neck. You made me think that it might mean something else.

You said things that interested me, things that I liked. Things that made me trust you.

Usually these feelings would bother me, but I would find a way to get over it and move on with my life the way it was before.

This time I don't want to be okay with it. I don't want to just go on. I want to let something happen. I want to make it work. I want it to be the right time. I want it to work.

I want it to be my turn.

But what would that make me?

What does that mean I become?
7 April 2012

Falling

I have fallen in like with you...


Please spend some time with me, get to know me...


Because I would love to one day fall in love with you ♥