The need

I need to feel in love again...

I need to feel like I belong...

I need to feel wanted again...

I need to feel that I belong again...

I know when I talk I seem strong and I'll say that I don't need it, but open your eyes! Get to know me and you'll see that I want exactly what I say is not necessary!

Every girl needs to feel special!

I need to feel special!

I want to feel that I belong again...

I want to feel wanted again...

I want to feel needed again...

I want to feel in love again...

Looking but not seeing

I've always thought that I was looking for this mister perfect...

That one guy that will make me his world. That one guy that wants too be with me for who I am. That one guy who will give me a rose, just to say "have a nice day". That one guy who wants to come and say hello, just to see my smile again. That one guy who wants to know me, who wants to know every detail of me, who wants to share every detail of him.

Now that I've had time to think about what I want, I've realized I don't want any of that at the exact moment of my life.

Yes, I dream of having that perfect guy. But I want to live the way I want to, for as long as I possibly can.

Yes, the perfect guy sounds amazing at any given time. Yes, the perfect guy sounds like a dream. But, no! I don't want anything now. I need a friend. I need a best friend to go through life with me...

Confusion

I have never been so confused in my life... and Twilight isn't making it any better!!

In Twilight, everybody wins at the end "all things turn out at the end, if everything isn't right - it is not the end". In life, things are not that simple!

I like my Edward, but I also like my Jacob! So what if there is a Jasper in my life I also like? That so does not work out at the end? Or does it?

How long until I will know what to think, what to feel, who to love?

I know there is one for me... Right now all I can do, is let it go, ride the train and pray that the right thing will happen - even if I din't expect it to be the right thing...

Falling in love

You can't blame a girl for falling in love with what she wants to hear...

When a guy tells you everything you have always dreamed about, it is hard not to fall for that guy. It might be a frighting feeling at the beginning and you may resist it, but the more you hear it - the more likely it is too fall in like with that guy and eventually fall in love.

This is one of the most dangerous things - emotionally - I can think of.

When you fall in love with somebody, they become your whole world. When you meet new people, it is the best fun too find out more and more about them. If jealousy comes from hanging out with new people, it might not be the right time for (the right person) to become your world. They might become your world one day, but if you don't think of them even when you are meeting new people - might that be a sign that it is too early for them to become your world?

Having someone as your world - and them wanting you as their world - is not such a bad thing... and is definitely on my "to-do-list". Just not now while I am still young and willing to do everything with everybody.

When you fall in love with somebody, it is because they say exactly what you want to hear. And you can't blame a girl for falling in love with a guy telling her exactly what she has always dreamed of hearing!

The trouble comes in when one guy tells you exactly what you want to hear, except for one detail. Then another guy comes around and tells you what you want to hear, and he tells you what the first guy didn't, but he leaves out other things you want to hear. And when a third or fourth guy comes around - things get messy!

How do you know which one is the one? Do you give them all a chance? Do you give them all a chance at the same time?

In my life, my dad is the most important man in my life - since I don't have any brothers. Next to him is my cousin - who is like a brother to me. Is it okay for me to leave the decision up to them? Is it okay too let the guys win over the two most important men in my life?

Is it okay too like more than one person at the exact same time?

Is it okay for me, not to want the one for me, right now?

Is it okay for me, too care for myself until the one comes along and changes my life, agrees with what I feel, says what I want to hear? Loves me for exactly the way I am?

Is it okay for me, too just be me, until my time comes to grow up?

Finding the one...

I think I may have found the one...

I don't know how many times I might have said that, that is one of the many things my mind fails to remember... but this time, it feels like the one.

It has only been a few days, since we both confessed liking each other... It has only been a few days since he confessed that he has been fighting for me - for quite a few years now...

We have four years of history, our own ups and downs... We have both lived our lives in our own separate ways... We have both found who we are - and who we would like to be... We have both experimented with the colorful waters and accepted that we won't find anything there...

They have always told me - and I have quoted them quite a few times, to people with the same pain:
When you love somebody, let them go. When they come back, they are truly meant to be yours and are yours to keep. If they never come back, they were never yours to begin with.


I have always found that as a brilliant excuse to hide ones true feelings... but now that I have experienced the feelings, I am starting too think that it has always been true...

But when you fight it, and not let go of the one you love... destiny can't find its way back to you... but as soon as you let go - no matter when that it - destiny would find you... and I think it has found me!

My shoes are tied

While in a relationship, I thought was perfect, I was always looking and wishing for things I liked...

Things to make my heart melt...  Things I never received, so I started giving them.

Foolishly thinking that it was enough!

Receiving it, it felt so unreal and untrue... It scared me and I ran... Not too it, but away from it - not knowing that I was running from exactly what I wanted --- what I have wanted for quite a while, what I have always wanted...

It finding me at every turn I make... Still being too blind to see it and still running - you never stopping!

Finally my eyes open and it is the most frightening feeling ever  - inexplicable, the feeling most dreaded. And most thought about.

I am content, now that I have allowed it to embrace me, my shoes are tied... Tied by your persistence.

Anger and frustration

Frustration and anger eats at you, like a migraine eats at your head!

I feel like hitting something, I feel like braking and bashing!

I am over being treated like a foul piece of scrap, picked up on the way.

Get me out of here, let me live. Let me be myself!

Killing myself seems like the most fun at the moment and the possibility of it happening seems more likely every minute that ticks by.

The dogs will be well looked after and I will be forgotten soon enough in their worlds.

The family won't realize it soon enough and caring about that - me? no! not anymore!

You have heard what I am too them, just someone who sits on a throne and looks down on other people. Well, I am not!! And I never dream of being!

I'm sick of living like this and the sooner the scenery changes, the better.

Death will be as welcoming as an ice cream is welcomed in heat...

~ 11 Jan 2012

Bottling up

I've tried the 'bottling-up-everything' method, but it hurt too much. So I don't bottle up anymore.

What I feel, I say.

What I think, I write.

What I say, I mean.

What I feel, I remember.

Who I am, I am.

~ 7 Jan 2012

I just can't let you go

I keep thinking about you, all the things we always do... The fun we have, the moments that last... I keep dreaming that I'm happily in your arms, yours to hold forever...

I keep hoping that I can become your world, because I hate how much I love you... I can't stand how much I need you...

But I just can't let you go!