Standing back

In one day, we easily go through more than enough emotions too make anybody sea-sick!

In less than a month I've thought and rethought about quite a few things!

I've thought about you and what I've said a few times in my life - I don't think anybody would survive if they had to be in my mind when I start too think. Yes I have said that I like a few people more than once... and some I've even liked, lost the connection and picked it up again. Other I've liked and thought that it might mean forever. And other I've just lost interest in.

When I met you, I fought the feelings. How can I like somebody so strong when I know nothing of them? Then we started talking and I got to know you. I got to know a person, who likes allot of thing I like. Who can manage me and make me laugh, but also make me calm.

I met somebody who liked me for who I am, for the crazy and outspoken person I always am. I got to know somebody who laughs at my mistakes and builds my good characteristics. I got to know a person who looks rough on the outside, but has the softest heart on the inside.

I had the privilege to be myself around a fun, but responsible person. Who, for some reason stayed around and got to know me.

I have said the words: "I like you" quite a few times, to a few different people. The words: "I love you", I haven't used that much (accept if you count them, when you say it too friends and family).

Sometimes, I've told somebody that I like them, and I start thinking that I won't have eyes for anybody else... until I go away from them and see somebody else and I think I like them more. And sometimes that feeling disappears as soon as I tell somebody.

When I met you, I fought the feelings. I lost. I started liking you. I started thinking that there might be a slight, small possibility that you might like me back. According too the onlookers, it sure looked that way.

Unfortunately we both went our separate directions and I got to know that you were already in a relationship. Unfortunately for me, I now have no more interest in anybody else. I don't have eyes for the guys I thought I liked before.

I now walk around with the thought of you, every single day.

I walk around thinking of our time together and how fast we had the connection.

And I think of how lucky she is too have you. And I back away and try my best too hide my feelings for as long and as well as I can.

I won't for any reason break up what you have now, what would that make me?

I will stand back and wish you two all the best and all the happiness and I somehow know that someday, in some way that type of happiness might just find me.

Enough is enough!

I don't want to think any more! My mind is going crazy trying to figure out what to do.

How do I explain what I think I feel? How do I put into words what I am experiencing right now.

I found that person, the one who meets the requirements. I found that person who seems to fit into my puzzle. Who can keep up with me.

I found that person with the same goals as me. The same dreams and future plans. I found that person with the same love for wildlife.

I also found out that the person I found is unavailable.

They say we all want what we can't have!

Does that mean that the feeling I have is only this strong because I can't have the person? Or is this feeling truly this strong?

How can this feeling still be when the distance is so great?

How do I know if everything that happened in 6 days was real and not just some sick joke my mind played on me?

How do I rest if I don't know?

How will I ever know?

What does that make me?

For once, I don't want to step down.

For once, I wish it was my turn.

For once, I wish that everything was real.

For once. I wish that it wasn't just my imagination.

Getting to know somebody, automatically builds a relationship. It automatically builds something you get attached to. And when it's not there, you miss it.

Getting to know you was like that. I got attached to seeing you - more than once a day. I looked for every excuse possible, just so I can see you. Or make a joke with you. Or even - on my lucky day, get a few hugs from you.

I got addicted to a certain kind of sadness. The kind of sadness you get from trusting somebody and getting shoved to the one side at the end of the show.

I got to know you, I told myself I wouldn't fall for you - I fought against the feeling with everything I had too give.

I guess, after all these years I still don't know myself.

I think I fell for you the moment you took time just to get to know me.

You took something dear to me, you kept it around your neck. You made me think that it might mean something else.

You said things that interested me, things that I liked. Things that made me trust you.

Usually these feelings would bother me, but I would find a way to get over it and move on with my life the way it was before.

This time I don't want to be okay with it. I don't want to just go on. I want to let something happen. I want to make it work. I want it to be the right time. I want it to work.

I want it to be my turn.

But what would that make me?

What does that mean I become?
7 April 2012

Falling

I have fallen in like with you...


Please spend some time with me, get to know me...


Because I would love to one day fall in love with you ♥

♥Love?♥

Can we, as humans, really explain or even fully understand the concept of love?

Psychologists claim that it all has to do with hormones... Adrenaline, dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin... They feel that you can fall in love with a perfect stranger in just two steps: 1. Share intimate secrets for half an hour, 2. Stare deeply into each others eyes without saying anything for four minutes.

Then why would I feel like this after one random chat on the way back from a soccer match - it wasn't the two of us, we were a small bunch of people.

Doctors believe that it is only one of the brains systems, evolved for reproduction.

So why don't I feel a constant drive to reproduce, I just feel the constant desire to be with you!

Neuroscience are still trying to isolate and identify the neural and genetic components underlying love. They see love as an unique human emotion, a biochemical chain of events.

Does this mean that all "love-stories" are going to end up the same? And if so, how will that be? I know of happily married couples at the age of sixty, seventy. Then I also know couples who get divorced after fifteen years of marriage. What chain of events are they referring to then?

According to the Bible, love has two meanings: 1. Agapao which is a deliberate and purposeful love, "Christian love" and 2. Phileo which is an impulsive and emotional love.

How do we know the difference? How do we know when we love as a brother or sister and when we love as a partner?

To a six year old, love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt and he wears it every day... To a four year old, love is when a girl puts on perfume and a guy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other...

That kind of makes more sense than any other explanation given, I just wish I could understand why I feel that... I wish I could just understand why there is always more than one... Why can't one guy come into my world and make the rest disappear?


Why am I the only one who can't understand what my feelings and emotions are?

Sometimes things are meant to be and we should trust it the way it is...

Sometimes we are  not meant to find out the meanings of important things, important and necessary things like love.