A murder in December

Have you ever wished that you could just die? I do - and quite often, may I just add. Death by accidents, death by torture, death in my sleep - you name it, I've dreamt it. Then it happened...

It all ended one December.

Rose met the man of her dreams, Jake and everything just seemed to fall in place. As if her life began to go in the direction of a fairy tale. Or so she thought. See, she had a problem. Her dark shadow always lingered, biting at her heels.

Rose was an average girl - studying with ambition to become the best Jack of all trades the world has ever seen. She had aspirations and her goal was to make sure that the whole world knew her name. she wanted to be the example every teen had to follow. Every business man wanted as a partner. The woman every man desired, yet only one had her heart. Only one could tame this woman, wild at heart.

Jake was a scruffy know it all guy - with passion and dreams beyond what you can imagine. His only wish was to live in the wild. To live were people don't often stay long, where man and beast live in harmony. He owned the world, or so he thought. That was until he met her and his whole life changed. Suddenly he had something to live for. Every man has his dark past and Jake's past was a dark daunting one, yet his heart was stolen by a shy talkative girl who became his world.

When they met, neither of them had any idea how important they'll be to each other one day. They mocked and joked and got to know each other. And as all stories go, they fell in love and a beautiful story started unfolding - even between their strange circumstances. Between funerals and drama incidents they got to know each other.

He took her gift, which bound them on every level you can possibly imagine. He didn't force it the first time and the time he took the gift, they talked through the whole experience. Their two soles became one. It was beautiful and ever lasting. Passion glowed between the two and tales of ever lasting love were written between two soles. He came to know every detail on her body and she became used to the idea of a future together, a future where everything turned out exactly the way they planned it. They got to know every secret, every desire, every weakness, every dream, every fear. They told a story of love and ever lasting friendship. A story that could be written until the end of time, until both their lives ended - plus three days.

But that is a fairy tale and this story is not about some or other happy ending. This story is about a girl, who met a guy. Obviously the guy changed her life. Unfortunately her dark shadow was overpowering. This story is about that shadow devouring her sole and crusher her existence.

For Rose had a most unfortunate curse that prohibited her from experiencing ever lasting happiness. She had a sickness that no medicine could heal, she had a sickness she had hoped that love would be able to heal. Unfortunately in relationships and in love, it requires energy to cope with accidents that change plans. For Jake ended up in a hospital and suddenly all their future plans changed. Suddenly everything didn't seem so perfect anymore.

She did her best, she tried being strong for him. She tried being strong for his family. She tried being strong for those who couldn't be. She tried to be the one that could help anybody with any problem or request they had. She didn't sleep and she didn't eat. Her dreams turned into nightmares where she gets stolen away, where she was forbidden to see her true love. She chose not to show this weakness to anybody. She refused to be a let down. She refused to let herself accept that she needed help.

(Writer's blog... Until further notice, the writer will be taking a break.)

Never drive when you are angry

Have you ever experienced a mixture of emotions so strong that it feels as if your heart wants to burst out and all you think about is ending your life and making the emotions go away. Life sound so much easier if I'm not in it!

Never drive when you are angry... I did!

When you see someone making the same mistakes as you and you see that they realise it, but they just continue with it - it boils the anger like never before. You are angry at the person for not listening. Then you get angry, because you made the same mistake. Then you get angry because they're making the mistake. And then the anger loses control when they just continue with the mistake they know they're making.

So I thought of all the places I can drive to, so I could end my life. Car accidents happen every day and it's easy to leave life that way.

When you're angry and you drive, you don't think rational.

And I realised something today. When I get angry, tears stream down my face and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. So I drove faster and cranked the music up louder. I almost drove into a wall when I reached 160km/h. Then I realised what the costs should be - in case I survive the accident. Then I realised what drama I might cause if I don't.

Being me is a huge pain in the ass! I wish with all my heart that I just never existed.

Life would be so much easier if I never happened!

A reason for everything

All things happen for a reason, I guess.

We make plans and then we get all excited when the time goes by and the plans fall into place. And then a freak accident happens and it changes everything you planned. Suddenly you have to start planning again. You have to look at new options to accommodate for the bruises.

We had everything planned out. We would go to the camp together. Then you had to work and I had to organise a lift - but then you didn't have to work, I still went with my lift. On the camp you were busy helping out and I helped build the camp. Both smiling, for we knew something not many other people knew.

Then my worst nightmare happened, they told me we're going to the hospital. In the car, I saw the burn shield on your hands - emotions, like the waves of the sea, washed in my head and all I could think about was to be strong for you. How did this happen? Why did this happen? Why now?

Now that you're better and the camp is over, the shock of it all hit me like a bus hitting a pedestrian. Why in heaven's name did you do such a stupid thing? It's the most irresponsible thing I've ever seen or heard of. Don't you realise what this means for you, for us, for your work?

Anger bubbles inside of me and I can do nothing to stop it. The anger making me sick. Why would I be so angry. The results isn't that bad. The doctor is positive and you're using your hands and doing things on your own - except for bathing, but you have that blond nurse to help you with that [yes, I am jealous - just a bit].

I think what angers me the most is the fact that I can't be with you every second of every day. I hear second hand the news the doctor bears. I cant eat and I struggle to sit and do nothing. My mind going crazy about changes. I've never liked change, even though I adapt quickly.

Then again everything happens for a reason and there is a lesson to be learnt out of every situation. Let's hope we learn the lessons to be learnt and not make the same mistakes again. This is a major test to our relationship...