Still my knight in shining armour

Every girl needs a guy that will stay, no matter what happens. I think I might have found that one person that will stay by my side - even when I go through my emotional dips.

I have found my knight in shining armor. My angel in the dark and protector in the light.

I have found the person who will be with me and love me, no matter what I throw at him.

I have these unfortunate moments I go through. I have these dips, where I get depressed without any reason. Then my mind takes a turn for the worst and think at a hundred miles an hour - should it be that slow. Unfortunately, I had another lapse when you were at your busiest and I felt a bit neglected.

Fortunately I have this amazing person in my life - they call them friends - who told me to tell you how I felt, because (she said) that sometimes you guys need to know how we feel. So I told you and you said that you realized that you were neglecting me. You said that you felt bad about it and that you would make up for it.

I don't need to go on fancy dates, or extreme places, or anything too expensive. I just need somebody to constantly talk to. Somebody who will make time to listen to what I have to say - well at least read what I have to say and reply constantly. I understand when you, or I, have to work and we don't have that much time. But the times I know you're not busy, I would love for you to talk to me.

I'm a handful and I need somebody with strong hands and a gentle nature. Who will be able to handle me at any given time, without losing patience with me.

I think I found you. I think I finally found somebody who's willing to handle me at my worst. I found somebody who loves me for me and who will stick with me through thick and thin.

I found you, or you found me, but we're in this together and together we will make this world jealous. It will be you and I against all odds, against anything the world throws in our direction. And I think it's safe to say that I do really love you, not because of everything you've done for me. I love you for loving me. I love you, because of the person you are.

Trust issues

 So once again, I'm faced with this horrid feeling!

You're making empty promises and I don't know if I want to live with empty promises...

You said you'd call, but you didn't. You made an excuse the next morning - falling asleep, it's only human. Then you made your promise again - you said you'd phone in a short while... Well it's been quite a few hours and you still haven't called me. I don't like this.

I have trust issues, because I'm too strict with myself - I was born that way.

Since I am a girl, I'm emotional - it happens. Unfortunately, that also means I over think, I get jealous, I get mean, I go overboard sometimes, I want attention and I need time. Time for a lot of things.

I need time to think. Time to do. Time to be me, myself and I. Time to be with you. I need time to make up my mind. Time to rethink what I've thought. Time to make up my mind again. I am one of the most time consuming specimens live!

When we started talking - way back when she was still in your life - we talked about empty promises. Both saying that it is the one thing we don't want.

Now I'm sitting here, wondering why I let myself fall in love again!

Why did I make this so easy? Why is it that no person is willing to fight to keep me?

Is it true when they say I'm desperate.

I wasn't looking for this relationship. I finally made peace with being single and then you stepped into my life and I fell - yet again. I fell for a promise I thought to be true. And when the people started warning me, saying that something bothered them, they just couldn't place their fingers on it - I didn't listen. I argued and said that what they're saying isn't true. I disagreed and said that you make me happy. Now I'm sitting here, pondering about why you don't call when you said you will.

The problem must lie with me!

Something must be really be wrong with me if I keep bumping my head like this.

Everything seemed so perfect with you. My world turned into a fairy tale. Everything I needed, I found in you. It seemed like everything was exactly as it was meant to be - but then again, at that time you were still with her.

Times like tonight where I wish I never continued talking to you. Times like these where I wish I didn't fall that easily.

You make everything better. And at the same time, you give me mixed emotions.

I need you to fight for me, I need you to fight for this relationship as hard as I want to fight for it, because I seriously don't see how I can trust again if you decide that this was a joyride. I seriously don't see how I will ever share myself with the world again.

I need to be you're pride and joy. I want for you to tell the world: "You see that beautiful girl, she's mine". I need to be the one you want to be with, the one you want to talk to, the one you want to share everything with. I need to be your everything. I need for you to show me that I mean the world to you, because I'm afraid if you don't show me what I really mean to you - I think I might just stop showing the world what my emotions really are.

I've felt this confused only once before in my life - and I was the one to save that relationship, well for at least  another year or so - until he found his perfect fit. Now I'm standing at the line, with the same emotion and I'm wondering if this might go in the same direction.

I know it's wrong to compare, for every person is unique in their own way. But you can't blame a girl for wanting to keep her own heart safe.

Why is it so easy to see what the male species want, but when it comes to what the female species need - males are clueless and it seems as if they just don't go through the trouble to find out. Yes, sure you get the once in a lifetime few that actually go through the trouble, but hey if you have one of them - hold on sister!

I need guidance in my decisions. I need peace in my heart. I need for everything to fall into place. I need to focus. I need to build my own future and stop worrying about the world around me.

Then again, if I don't take care of the world and the people around me, who will?

Trust issues you say? I know I have trust issues. I have trust issues, because I don't trust myself.

I don't trust me and therefore I find it difficult to fully trust you...

Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt?

"I can be selfish. I can be impatient. I'm insecure. I make mistakes. Sometimes I feel like I'm at the end of the road. I can get low and I won't know which way is up. I can get high and I'll feel like I could never come down.
Call it a curse! Or maybe just call me blessed!
If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure don't deserve me at my best. Take me or leave me. I'll never be perfect, but I'll always be me. Believe me, I'm worth it. So take me, or leave me.
Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt?
The truth is, we'll mess up until we get it right. I don't want to end up losing my soul." ~ Nicki Minaj
Marilyn Monroe spent most of her childhood in foster homes, until she became an American actress and then later a major sex symbol. She lived herself, being herself. And she lived her life fully. Until today there isn't one opinion about her that is the same everywhere you go. Every person forms their own opinion about people in life and it will be like that until the world comes to an end.

There are times I feel like running away. When I feel like running to a whole new destination. Running away from my circumstances and the people I know. Just running until I come to a place where I have to start anew. Where I have to get to know new people, new systems, new characters, new streets, new everything. Unfortunately I am one of those people who get to know people quite fast. I am one of those people who remembers the people I meet. So I know at least one person from about everywhere. Except if you talk about on the other side of the blue oceans. There I know one or two people. But I'm not keen on running away from South Africa.

Every person has their ups and their downs. I am one of those people who take the ups and the downs to the max.

One minute I can be sky-high, happier than an employee receiving their year-end bonus. The next moment, without reason or warning I'll be down in the dumps. I'll be lower than a Blue Bull after they've lost a game.

I am an extremest. I either do something exceptionally well, or I don't do it at all. And unfortunately it carried over to my emotions as well.

Sometimes the down moments can last up to a week. Other times, it is a matter of slip in emotion. A slip of controlling all I hold inside. Just a momentary lapse.

The reason why these sudden lapse last longer than the temporary slip are yet to be discovered. Though I have discovered some of the reasons for setting the lapse into motion. I have discovered some things that might lead to a sudden change in emotion.

Thus I try to avoid these obstacles. I try and fail and try yet again. But alas, I am only human and I cannot control my emotions as well as I would like to.

Amidst all the emotional roller coaster rides, you came into my life. With you it seemed like all the wrongs chose to step aside. You became my reason to keep going. You became my reason to slime. That faithful smile that lingered on my lips for months on end. Everything felt better with you. The distance never an issue. The feelings just getting better and stronger. All the things we went through in the sort time, just made my love for you grow.


Every time I look into your eyes, I feel like I could stare in them for a lifetime.

I cannot put into words what you mean to me. I cannot express my gratitude enough. The way you make me feel. The safety when I'm in your arms. The way everything comes natural with you. The way everything feels so right. I cannot put into words how easily I fell in love with you. How easily love comes with you. My feelings for you keep growing, my love for you keeps showing.

"I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it. And if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure don't deserve me at my best."

Removing myself

Once again, I'm the idiot. Once again, I'm the fool. Once again, I'm the one who gets hurt. Once again, I'm the abnormal one. Once again, I'm the naive one.

I should really just end my life. I should really just remove myself from the equation and get it over with.

Think about it

"Be the change you want to be in the world" ~ Mahatma Gandhi

I'll tell you something I don't understand. How can they hammer you, in school, about something and when you reach university it suddenly loses it's importance.

Something else I don't grasp. Why in the world would you convince people to do good academically. Then when a student comes to you to ask about their achievement, to better the results, you tell them to stop worrying about their marks. You say that it is "unnecessary" to do great. To achieve their best.

Then I ask you, what is the point of it all then?

When humans complain about the state of their country, but in the same breath say that spelling and writing is not important, I feel they have no right to complain. When you look at how easy it is to become a "know-it-all" with the power to rule a country. I ask you, what is the point of studying and getting a degree? What is the point of university, if every second baboon meets the requirements.

When you look at the facts, it really is no wonder. When you look at the standards, the evidence is clear as to why we're struggling. It is no wonder we're living in an era of smart phones and stupid people. It's no wonder we're losing our precious world.

Look around people, stop trying to be better than every body else and help the weaker become stronger. Help build the future.

Stop allowing people to change you. Stop complaining about the state of things and be the change you want to see in the world. Because only through failure, you will learn to succeed.

Be strong. Be brave. Never, ever give up.

Doubt

 And for the first time I have this strange feeling.

It's the feeling of doubt.

A feeling only felt, I believe, as result of my past and everything I've been through. Or maybe it's a feeling felt because of all the things happening around me. Or because of all the questions asked.

I've never really thought about any of these things, because to me they don't seem that important. I mean, a relationship is based on the amount of effort both parties put in. Not on who the main provider is. Or how much money the main member will make.

Then I started thinking about all these questions.

Will you be able to provide for the both of us, in case something might happen. Or will it be okay if I'm the money-maker in the relationship.

What will happen when your dreams fail you? What will you have behind your name - other than experience?

Will they ever accept you for the way you are. Or did they make a decision about who they think you are, so they're sticking to it.

When we talk, it feels like days can go by. When people ask me what intelligent things we talk about, I can't think of anything. I just remember the times we laughed together - and those times are quite often.

Why will I doubt something that makes me happy?

Why will the people around me ask so many questions and not accept my hearts decision?

I can't choose who I fall in love with. I don't choose who I like. Things like that just happen.

I can be broke and I'll still be happy with you.

Life is not about what we get out of it, it's about what we do for it. If I'm happy, let me be. Please.

If this happiness doesn't last, it'll probably be my next lesson from God - and that is just fine with me. I'd rather learn all the lessons I can - and remember all the good times - than try to be happy all the time, while miserably failing.

Doubt isn't a good feeling. It makes ones mind go crazy. It takes away ones smile. It destroys beautiful things.

I don't doubt my feelings for the one I like. I have no doubt that we will last. I have no doubt in the fact that the one I like won't hurt me.

This time, I'm choosing my hearts decision and I'm sticking to the choice i made.