Trust issues

 So once again, I'm faced with this horrid feeling!

You're making empty promises and I don't know if I want to live with empty promises...

You said you'd call, but you didn't. You made an excuse the next morning - falling asleep, it's only human. Then you made your promise again - you said you'd phone in a short while... Well it's been quite a few hours and you still haven't called me. I don't like this.

I have trust issues, because I'm too strict with myself - I was born that way.

Since I am a girl, I'm emotional - it happens. Unfortunately, that also means I over think, I get jealous, I get mean, I go overboard sometimes, I want attention and I need time. Time for a lot of things.

I need time to think. Time to do. Time to be me, myself and I. Time to be with you. I need time to make up my mind. Time to rethink what I've thought. Time to make up my mind again. I am one of the most time consuming specimens live!

When we started talking - way back when she was still in your life - we talked about empty promises. Both saying that it is the one thing we don't want.

Now I'm sitting here, wondering why I let myself fall in love again!

Why did I make this so easy? Why is it that no person is willing to fight to keep me?

Is it true when they say I'm desperate.

I wasn't looking for this relationship. I finally made peace with being single and then you stepped into my life and I fell - yet again. I fell for a promise I thought to be true. And when the people started warning me, saying that something bothered them, they just couldn't place their fingers on it - I didn't listen. I argued and said that what they're saying isn't true. I disagreed and said that you make me happy. Now I'm sitting here, pondering about why you don't call when you said you will.

The problem must lie with me!

Something must be really be wrong with me if I keep bumping my head like this.

Everything seemed so perfect with you. My world turned into a fairy tale. Everything I needed, I found in you. It seemed like everything was exactly as it was meant to be - but then again, at that time you were still with her.

Times like tonight where I wish I never continued talking to you. Times like these where I wish I didn't fall that easily.

You make everything better. And at the same time, you give me mixed emotions.

I need you to fight for me, I need you to fight for this relationship as hard as I want to fight for it, because I seriously don't see how I can trust again if you decide that this was a joyride. I seriously don't see how I will ever share myself with the world again.

I need to be you're pride and joy. I want for you to tell the world: "You see that beautiful girl, she's mine". I need to be the one you want to be with, the one you want to talk to, the one you want to share everything with. I need to be your everything. I need for you to show me that I mean the world to you, because I'm afraid if you don't show me what I really mean to you - I think I might just stop showing the world what my emotions really are.

I've felt this confused only once before in my life - and I was the one to save that relationship, well for at least  another year or so - until he found his perfect fit. Now I'm standing at the line, with the same emotion and I'm wondering if this might go in the same direction.

I know it's wrong to compare, for every person is unique in their own way. But you can't blame a girl for wanting to keep her own heart safe.

Why is it so easy to see what the male species want, but when it comes to what the female species need - males are clueless and it seems as if they just don't go through the trouble to find out. Yes, sure you get the once in a lifetime few that actually go through the trouble, but hey if you have one of them - hold on sister!

I need guidance in my decisions. I need peace in my heart. I need for everything to fall into place. I need to focus. I need to build my own future and stop worrying about the world around me.

Then again, if I don't take care of the world and the people around me, who will?

Trust issues you say? I know I have trust issues. I have trust issues, because I don't trust myself.

I don't trust me and therefore I find it difficult to fully trust you...