You don't give a fuck, do you?

See, so I've learned a few thing in my life. One of them being: "As life goes by, you learn to trust no one but yourself." I never thought that would be true - people aren't that spineless are they?

In life you get simple humans, greedy humans, spineless humans, psycho's and now and then you even get an angel. Not that angels are that simple. You get angels, fallen angels and even the demons. Well isn't life interesting!

Nothing in this life is as it appears. Every person has a secret they prefer not to share and sometimes that secret destroys your life. For in movies it's easy, as soon as a decision makes its appearance, the decision is made for you. One of the variables are killed or disappears. In life, it's not that simple. In life you have to physically make the decision AND live with the consequences. No choice can be made without a consequence.

Let me tell you a story, about an simple human - a human who never makes the right decisions no matter how hard she tries. Her fist decision was made at the age of two - not that she can remember the decision, but thereafter the decisions got more difficult. Each decision has responsibility and counter actions, each decision has variables you can't control and some you can, each decision will hurt somebody in your life. Decisions aren't easy and they shouldn't be made lightly.

The first decision she had to make was as simple as sleeping over at a friend, or staying home where she knew everything and her parents were near. She was two. She had to make the decision. If she chose to go, what would happen. Could she trust this friend, regardless that they know each other since birth. Could she trust that her friend's parents would take care of her. Could she trust that there would be enough food. Could she trust that she will live to see her parents again. What would happen when they had a fight, it's not like she could just phone her parents to pick her up after the midnight hours, just because two two-year-old children had a silly argument about what to watch, what to eat, when to swim. Or in a lighter aspect. Would it be a crazy adventure she'll never forget. On the other hand, she could stay home. But would she then forever wonder about what she missed out on.

She was two, she was curious, she was an adventure craving two year old - naturally she chose the sleepover. Her decision had an effect - as small as the decision was. She was two, her parents would be awake the whole night, worrying, wondering, thinking, hoping... Her dad had to let her go - a decision he never found easy. Her mom not showing the effect it has on her, "let the child go". Curios as she was - her mind weren't ready for the affect one decision can have on a person.

They were two kids, playing the whole day and the adventure continued and ended up as a sleep-over. What could be better than two friends spending time together? If only she knew then what she knows today. But would she then have learned anything?

The sleep-over started as fun and then the arguments started. And in a few years from then she would realize that this friend, she thought to be her best friend, would be person to give away her deepest secrets. Lesson #1: Never trust anybody but yourself. Lesson not learned, for this two-year-old, bright-eyed, innocent child believed that the world was a beautiful place and the bad things that happened to her was only because of not her - who else? And she would be able to handle it. She didn't want anybody to go through the pain she had to go through everyday. And she wasn't the type of person to ask for help - why would she show her weaker side to the world? She was strong. She was an angel, without ever knowing it. A fallen angel who believed that in some way she would be able to help change the world to a better place. A fallen angel who had trouble deciding which side she wanted to choose. So she decided to stay on the border line - the safest place she could find. The only place she thought wouldn't hurt any person - if only she knew then what she knows now, she would have been an angel by now. She would have left this world when she had the choice.

All through her life, she met people and only saw the good in them. Call it a curse, call it a blessing, either way there will always be pain and she would always hide it.

She survived life, she survived choices, she survived people. She made it to the age of 21 - the big one. The age where you're you're supposed to be able to make all the choices in your life, the age where you're supposed to be able to have the right to do anything you want - or so you're taught in school, if only she knew then what she knows now. And until the age of 21, a few more "best friends" came and went. And every time she had to learn the same lesson: "Never trust anybody but yourself" - and over and over again, lesson not learned.

She met someone who at first didn't like her. She was too much of herself. She was too sure of her choices. Or so the reasons were given when they became friends. Everything went well and she thought she finally found a friend who would be able to handle her, who would be able to accept her for what she is. Unfortunately this new "friend" turned out to be just another "best friend" to leave her to bleed. They did everything together and she shared her pain with her new found friend. Until they spent too long together and this new found "friend" decided to hit the road with. Oh don't worry, she gave the reasons. Unfortunately she didn't give the truth. "I'm keeping my distance, because I don't want to do more damage to this friendship. I see you as my best friend and I never want to change that". And then this "best friend" walks past and doesn't even say hi, only looks at her as if she's the devil herself. Interesting life we live, isn't it?

Today, she's older and wiser. Not that it ads to her decision. Still she decides to trust the world. Still she believes that this world is not a place filled with people who would hurt you on purpose. Still she makes the same decisions. Still she is hurt every day.

So in life, there are more than just people. There are more than just what you see. In this life it's all about how you see the world.

So the next time you decide to just make a decision without thinking about the consequences that can follow, remember the story about the girl who had to make her first decision at the age of two. Think about the girl who accepts the world as a good place and who gets hurt every time. Look at your decision. Look into the decision's eye and look for the angel, look for the demon, look for the human. look for the love, look for the pain. Have a good look before you just decide to choose either one or the other as if the decision won't even matter in a few years. Your decision will always have an effect on someone, somewhere in this life we live.