Worst to worse

The worst thing, is losing a friend. Worse than that, is losing yourself. To know that you're busy grabbing the steering wheel back from God - and not having any control over it, while knowing that it's wrong.

The worst thing is when people underestimate you. Worse than that is when you underestimate yourself.

The worst thing is being negative. Worse than that is not doing anything positive to change that.

The worst thing, is not knowing who you are. Worse than that is to know who you are, but being too afraid to be yourself.

The worst thing is to be alone. Worse than that, is being around millions of people and still feeling alone.

The worst thing is when you disappoint yourself. Worse than that, is when you see the disappointment in somebody else's eyes, to hear it in somebody else's voice.

The worst thing is to recognize that you are weak as a person. Worse than that is when you give your very best - and it still isn't good enough.

The worst thing is not having the strength to do something. Worse than that, is not looking for strength in the right place. And even worse than that is when you know that you're looking for strength in the wrong place.

The worst thing is when you keep postponing matters, because you're afraid to do something. Worse than that is when you don't know what you're afraid of.

The worst thing is being sad. Worse than that is when you have to hide the pain.

The worst thing is to disagree with people. Worse than that, is having to keep quiet about your opinion.

The worst thing is when you want to be quiet. Worse than that is when, due to circumstances, you can't be quiet.

The worst thing is seeing you. Even worse than that is actually wanting to see you, wanting to talk to you, but the memories hurt too much.

The worst thing is falling in love. Even worse than that, is knowing you don't even stand a chance.

The worst thing is to know how awesome your day will be, if you just start your day right. Worse than that, is not starting your day right.

Who am I? Where do I fit in? What is my purpose? Why am I here? How do I have to live, if I want to live right? How should I deal with others? How do I unload? How do I stay positive every day? How do I stay me, without changing me?
(3 Aug 2011)

Cautiously excited

When you plan something, you kind of create your own expectations of how things are going to work. What you're going to wear. What you're going to pack. What you're going to do. All the small things.

Then plans change. When plans change, the first emotion is disappointment. Then you get frustrated at yourself for getting disappointed. Then you get frustrated for getting frustrated. And when you finally figure out what the source of your problem might be, you've already infected the people around you.

When you phoned, you gave me a fright. You spoke with tears in your eyes. Your voice breaking. The bad news having an effect on you, which affected me. I had no words. I didn't know how to make it better for you.

Then all our plans changed and changed again.

Originally we would have stayed a while, then go home and visit there. Now we're going to make a short stop - lunching with mom and telling dad that you're stealing his daughter for a while. Then we're spending time with your family. A shock I didn't see coming.

I wasn't prepared to meet your folks this soon. And I never dreamed that it would be under these unfortunate circumstances. But all this is our first real challenge.

We've been challenged before and so far we've made it through the small things. This time the challenge is way bigger, with way more sub-challenges.

So I've been through quite a few emotions and I've decided that I'm excited about our next few days together.

Cautiously excited about meeting your folks. Cautiously excited about introducing you to my folks. Cautiously excited about seeing you again.

Cautiously excited about you and me and our journey together.
(11 Sept. 2012)

Look around!

When you look around, staring at the world. How many people do you see smiling.

When you've noticed the few smiling, concentrate on their skin colour.

How sad is it not, that on average there is more coloured people smiling than there is white people. How sad is it not that, on average, white people or students have more than coloured people or students. Or am I mistaken?

How sad is it not that greed envelopes those who have enough to give away. And those who don't have, will give even the little they have - until they have no more to give.

Music on. World off.

But sometimes even the loudest music isn't loud enough to drown out the ignorance, irresponsibility, arrogance, unfriendliness and pure irritation of reality.

Sometimes being decent just isn't enough. Sometimes you don't want the world to see you.  Sometimes you just know that they won't understand.

It's a given!

Your whole life, you've been searching for somebody you can give every bit of you. Your whole life, you've been searching for somebody to adore. Somebody to treat. Somebody to care for. Somebody to pamper. Somebody who understands you for you. Who'll except you for who you are - excitement and all. Somebody to love.

My whole life, I've been looking for somebody who'll let me take care of them. Somebody who will take me for me. Somebody who'll handle me at my worst and appreciate me at my best. My whole life, I've been searching for somebody who'll go to the ends of the Earth to make sure I'm okay - even when I say I am.

In life, we go through stages. Times where you try new things. Times where you hide away. Times where things are exciting and new. Times where things go wrong. Times where you know what to do and times where you don't. Times where you trust easily and times where you don't trust at all.

Every person has a dark side. Every person has a side they hide. Then somebody special comes into ones life and you get comfortable. When maximum comfort is reached, the special somebody get to meet the person's hidden side. That is when the decision is made. Will the special somebody stick with the person - even after they've met the hidden side. The dark side.

I'm terrified that you would one day decide to pack your things, because of my dark side.

What if you come home one night, tired and exhausted because of work. What if, on that exact same time, I have a bad day - my emotions are mixed up, or I'm just grumpy and can't hide it. What if we fight and you decide to walk.

These questions ponder around in my head. And some part of me know that I'm being crazy and you won't do something like that to me, to you, to us. But still, there remains a very small part of me terrified of the slightest possibility of that happening.

Then I look into your eyes again and I see all the reassurance I need. I see that you are the one who can handle my worst days. I see you letting me take care of you. I see that even when we can't figure out exactly what's going on inside, we'll still be able to work through all the rough patches.

We'll both say what's on our mind. We'll have the power, the strength and the will of the Lord. And in His time, His plans will work as they should.

Stolen kiss

 From that moment you stole that kiss...

In my days, I always make a guy wait at least a month before they could even think about kissing me - I needed to make sure they were the real deal and not just a one time thing. I had to be sure that they would stick around, even the times I forbade physical touch in our relationship.

I had to make sure they liked me for me and not for my body or my kiss.

The one time I let my guard down. That one time proved to be my biggest lesson yet. A lesson I shall not forget. A lesson I don't want to learn again.

With you, it was different. We talked for months, before I got the chance to see you again. With you, I had time to fall in love - over and over and over again.

And just as I started thinking that my mind was creating it's own reality, you would do something to reassure me that you were real. Just as I was sure that I started living in my minds own reality, you showed up and made my dreams come true.

Then you stole a kiss. You stole one kiss and made sure my heart skipped a beat when you stole a second kiss.

Now that I can call you mine, and you can call me yours, we can build this relationship on a Rock-foundation. Our Rock would be our Father that art in heaven - for His love knows no boundaries and with Him in our lives, we can be sure to be safely wrapped in His arms.

 I didn't say yes the first time you asked me to be yours, in your arms while we both stole a glance at our star. I wanted to wait and tell my dad - tell my dad that it's all real and not something my mind created.

But just before you asked me a second time, the second time also being just as our star made it's appearance. Just before the second time you asked me, you stole a kiss. And by stealing that kiss, I was already yours to hold.

From that moment you kissed me, there was no turning back. No second guessing. No running away.

From that moment your lips touched mine, you took my breath away. You sealed our future. You claimed me to be yours to see what the future holds. Together we will face life's little ups and downs.

Together, you and I.