Not supposed to be here

Have you ever wondered why you were placed on this earth?

Have you ever wondered why you were made the way you were?

Have you ever wondered if everything is really as it seems, or is everything we see and do just another thing invented by man?

Have you ever wondered if the Bigger Thing really is what humans make it to be?

Have you ever wondered if maybe we're missing the point?

I've wondered about all of the above and once again I'm wondering about the reason I'm alive. Once again I'm wondering about the reason for my existence. Once again I'm wondering about the reason for the way I am. Once again I'm wishing that I wasn't where I am. Once again I'm wishing to just not be.

Everywhere I go, I hurt people by accident. Everywhere I go, I do things I don't remember. Everywhere I go, I cause trouble and pain. Everywhere I go, I make friends and then hurt them just by being me. Everywhere I go, I wish that I never existed. Everywhere I go, I disappoint people. Everywhere I go, I loose people close to me.

Why was I created with a personality that chases away people? Why was I created without the ability to control my emotions?

Was I created to destroy or did the years of pain cause me to become a destroyer? Did the creator mean to make me a person who hurts others, who says hurtful things without meaning to and then not to remember? Did the creator mean to make me forget the things I do and say? Was I meant to be this ugly person?

Was I meant to be somebody who wonders about everything? Was I meant to be somebody who asks all the questions? Was I meant to be somebody who irritates the people around me? Was I meant to be somebody who struggles with everything? Was I meant to be somebody who never gives up? Was I meant to be somebody who takes all the punches, because I don't want others to get hurt? Was I meant to be this doubting person? Was I meant to be this person who doesn't trust the world, but trusts easy enough to get hurt?

For if I wasn't made to be who I am now? What was I made to be? Who am I meant to be? What am I supposed to do?

Just a dream

Have you ever wondered if a dream is just a dream? Or do you believe a dream has more meaning to it than just being a dream?

I often convince myself that a dream is just a dream, but most of the times my brain fights back and convince me that there should be more to the dream than it just being a dream. For why would your mind conceive such reality if it did not have any meaning?

Then I start thinking about the dream and I start to wonder exactly why my mind would torture me with dreams and visions like these.

Why would my mind let me dream about a person who I liked, but never liked me back. And then started
liking me as soon as I was happy in my relationship. Why would my mind let me dream of something I've thought about doing when I was single, when it would have worked, while I'm happily in a relationship?

Why would my mind confuse me and make me wonder about my feelings and motives? Why would my mind make me want to give in, to end this torture, to stop dreaming, to stop living.

Why would my mind torture me when all I need is sleep and rest.

Let me be, let me sleep without shouting in the middle of the night without any reason. Let me sleep, without dreams that haunt me throughout the day.

Let me sleep dear mind, let me sleep!